CAST:

Red as Dorothy Gale
Black as the Scarecrow
Burgundy as the Tinman
White as Cowardly Lion
Emerald as Glinda: Good Witch of the North
Rose as Wicked Witch of the West
Diamond as Oz
Clair as Uncle Henry
Lorelei as the Guard
Olive as Aunt Em
Crystal as Toto
Violet as Hickory/Cabby
Azure as Zeke/Doorman
Orange as Professor Marvel/Hunk
Lance as a flying monkey
Amethyst, Khaki as head munchkins
Gym Leaders as random, unimportant munchkins/Oz people
Blue as Miss Almira Gulch/Leader of the Winkies
Sapphire as the Wicked Witch of the East

Act as out of character and freaking crack-tastic as you can! Don't like your character? Too Bad! Link to the Script



We start our story on a farm in The Middle of Nowhere, Kansas. Which looks like the rest of Kansas: flat with a bunch of corn stalks.

Red dashed down a small, dusty country lane, lifting the hem of his blue gingham dress slightly so that it was out of the way. He whirled around and plopped to the ground, sending a small cloud of dust up. He threw whatever sort of school briefcase he was carrying into a nearby haystack.

"Freaking shoes. How the hell do girls wear these all day?" He scanned the horizon. "She isn't coming yet, Crystal, that bitch. Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she? Come on - we'll go tell Uncle Clair and Auntie Olive. Come on, Crystal!"

Red gave her a good slap on the ass to get her moving again. They continued to run up the road to the small farm house. Red vaulted over the fence into the barn yard, riping a nice sized hole on the seat of his dress. He swore loudly, tripped upon landing, and fell face-first in the mud. He pulled himself to his feet and skidded up to his Aunt Olive and Uncle Clair, who were busy around the incubator.

"Aunt Olive! Aunt Olive!" He called out, "Aunt Olive! Just listen to what Miss Blue did to Crystal! She hit her over the head with a rake! A freaking rake! Just because she chased the cat! Damn cat. We need to call the police or something and get that bitch arrested! Nobody abuses Crystal like that, except me!...and we only do that during... nevermind, that's not my point! She's going to get a warrant to sell her off as a furry sex-slave! Are you listening to me?"

Clair was standing over the incubator, shifting from one foot to the other. Her jaw was busy chewing and gnashing at..whatever was in her mouth. She then spit to the side. It was a large wad of black. Suddenly Clair went into a fit.

"YOU MOTHER BEEPIN' incubator! You had to go and break! You gonna ruin my good patch uh marijuana!! You beep beep beep Hippopotamus beep beep beep republican beep beep beep beep in castle far far away where no one can hear you beep beep beep beep beep with a bucket of beep beep beep beep MICKEY MOUSE!" She kicked the thing as hard as she could. "MY FOOT!!" She cried and jumped around holding it. (Yes she is actually saying beep.)

That was when she noticed Red. "Well hello thar darlin' what seems to be the trouble?" She asked obviously having missed the whole paragraph of words Red had spoken. "Did I hear somethin' 'bout Sex-slaves? Red what did I tell you about creeping into the neighbor's pool through the underground tunnel Your father and I built?" She asked shaking her head. She took a large gross inhale then spit another wad of chewing tobacco onto the ground.

"Well I don't have time ter go wiff ya right naw. We'll have o go later tonight I reckon. I have to save the pot first." She sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeveless arm. Clair was currently in nothing but a white tank top, that was too tight for her huge boobs, and a pair of overalls that hugged her ass. Before she turned back to the incubator she shook her finger at Red.

"It is not illegal until you smoke it...and all I'm doing is sellin' it! Gotta pay for your drag somehow." She nodded and moved back over to her precious pot plants. "Oh ma babies don't you worry uncle Clair is gonna save ya!"

Crystal walked casually behind Red. She was a little dizzy from being hit over the head with a... RAKE! She rubbed her head when suddenly Red decided they were going to run to the house. He gave her a good slap to the ass and booked it.

Crystal jumped slightly when she was hit. "Well, at least it wasn't as hard as he normally does it. I mean WOOF!" She nodded. She then raced after the boy. It was so hot in that dog outfit. She eventually caught up with him, having had to stumble over the fence.

She stood there for a second reading her lines from a telepromt. "Woof." She said. Crystal's bright green eyes narrowed into a death glare. "HOLD UP!" She shouted. She walked over to the edge of the background and off the set.

"Okay first of all I need something for this goddamn headache that bitch with the rake gave me, Second I need some mouthwash. Biting that chick's legs was no sanitary! Third, woof and bark? Is that all I get to say?! Look at this!" She said pointing to her boobs. "I am FAR too sexy to only get Woof and bark as lines okay?! I am not going to go around following the drag queen, barking like his little Bitch! I play a dog but....I'm sexy! CALL MY MANAGER OR I QUIT!" She shouted and threw the nearest thing she could find at the director. It just so happened to be the director's chair.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After Crystal recieved Prozac, Mouthwash, more lines, and Coffee.

The new director (the other one ended up in the hospital with a cracked skull) signaled for the scene to be put back into motion. "Take 678, ACTION!"

Crystal strolled up sexily behind Red. She gently wrapped her arms around his. She gave a small doglike whine. "It hurts Red..."

((Why isn't Garnet on there?))

Aunt Olive was standing next to Uncle Clair as they tried to fix the Incubator. "The goddamn thing is going to take forever!" As Aunt Olive was trying to fix the Incubator he decided he'd start counting for the hell of it. "This damn incubator! Why can't we get a pen for the chicks? If they die they die.... your marijuana crops will sell better. The wolves and animals will kill 'em anyways!"

Just then Aunt Olive decided to go pick up the chicks and put them in the coop with the hens. "What the fuck? I gotta count? Who the hell writes this script?" Aunt Olive smashed his hand on the incubator. "Well why not? Time will pass by. Let's see uh.... Uncle Clair what starts with one?"

Aunt Olive thought for awhile. "Oh yes. Damn schooling! OK let's see." He walked over and picked up a tiny yellow chick. "Oh uh, one!" He said putting the chick in the coop. "Two." He said putting another in. "Three... four... five.." He put three more chicks in the coop still another hundred to go. "What the hell?" Aunt Olive continued putting away the chicks in the coop.

Next Red came in with his sexy puppy Crystal that makes him horny at night. He came up to Aunt Olive as he kept counting. "Fifty-seven. Fifty-eight." Olive kept putting the chicks.

"Aunt Olive! Aunt Olive!" Red called, "Aunt Olive! Just listen to what Miss Blue did to Crystal! She hit her over the head with a rake! A freaking rake!" Olive tried to ignore Red and his inconsiderate mouth. "Just because she chased the cat! Damn cat."

Olive was about to scream. "Red please! We are trying to count! Fifty-eight." Red kept talking. "We need to call the police or something and get that bitch arrested! Nobody abuses Crystal like that, except me!...and we only do that during... nevermind, that's not my point!"

Olive was about to slap her. "--Seventy.. Red please! I'd like to get this done!" Red ignored her once again. This made him irritated. "She's going to get a warrant to sell her off as a furry sex-slave! Are you listening to me?"

Olive slapped Red in the face. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! Oh my god... you talk - like - all the time. You can't shut up when you're around me for - like - two beepin' seconds. You are the most - totally- annoying person - like - I have ever met." Olive turned to the camera and directors.

"Besides who rights this freaking script anyways. It makes no sense. First I'm counting with one to five and like 2 seconds later I'm at fifty-eight. WTF? (Yes he actually said W.T.F.) We're trying to get this done? I'm the one doing all the work." He points to Clair. "She's not doing a thing. She's just sitting there smokin' pot! She doesn't even share it!"

------

After getting the script fixed and forcing Clair to share the pot and marijuana the scene continues.

While smoking pot with Clair he finally settles down. "Red.. Red.. can't you see we're busy?" Looks at the chicks. "I'm not putting them in there anymore." He pulls out a shotgun. "Chicken for dinner hun?"

Garnet shifted before dropping the wagon wheel she was attempting to lift. She sighed and then looked at the large bed of the wagon, just feet away that still needed lifting as well. She blinked at it, once, twice, three times before cautiously moving towards the wagon. The moment she took one step towards the busted vehicle, its other wheel fell off. She sighed and then took a step away from it. She really could not understand the mechanics of fixing this wagon. She blinked at it before picking up the wheel again.

She paused, glancing toward where the director was absent and then tried to sneak out the script for just moment to take a peek on her other side. She lifted it and then called out, reading off the line,

"Hows she coming...?" She paused before asking no one in particular, "Is that right?" This was soo much easier during rehearsal. She tried to lift the wagon wheel yet again only murmur out, "It is really smart to make the wheel as big as me...? I mean, I can't even lift it." She finally gave up on the wheel before moving over to the bed, tucking the script away in her brown messenger bag as she adjusted her garnet-colored overalls. She sighed and then looked around... wondering if someone was supposed to be helping her. She pouted before trying to lift one side of the bed and then promptly dropping it on her foot. She just paused before letting out a soft cry and saying,
"I hate this movie anyways.."

"Dumbass," Orange muttered, glaring at Garnet, who was trying and failing to fix the wagon. He just stood around even though he knew he should be helping. What was the point anyway? It was fun seeing Garnet in pain, havnig dropped something on her foot.

He grimaced. "Well, I suppose there's nothing else to do," he said, trying to lift the bed before realizing that it was too heavy for him. "What the hell? I can't lift it either? I shouldn't be as weak as some girl! I quit!" He let go again before realizing he had deviated from the script.

"Oh," he added, grinning manically, "and take it easy." He stepped away from the wagon, watching Garnet continue to fumble around with the big hunk of wagon pieces.

Clair and Olive just would not listen to the poor boy. Every time he found a point to interject and explain his plight, Uncle Clair would scold him for something perverse he was supposed to have done, and Aunt Olive would bitch about needing to count the marijuana plants. Red folded his arms over the folds in his dress that were supposed to cover his nonexistent bust.

"Oh, okay, fine. I see how it is. Of course your precious weed plants are more important than your own neph...niece.... I bet your retarded, over payed employees have better parental instincts than you."

"HOLD UP!" Crystal shouted suddenly. She walked over to the edge of the background and off the set. "Okay first of all I need something for this goddamn headache that bitch with the rake gave me. Second I need some mouthwash. Biting that chick's legs was not sanitary! Third, 'woof' and 'bark?' Is that all I get to say?! Look at this!" She pointed to her bust. "I am FAR too sexy to only get 'woof' and 'bark' as lines, okay? I am not going to go around following the drag queen, barking like his little Bitch!"

"Hey! I didn't ask to be Dorothy!" Red shouted back at her.

"I play a dog but... I'm sexy! CALL MY MANAGER OR I QUIT!" She shouted and threw the director's chair across the studio, subsequently braining said director.

"Girls." The boy snorted.



After Crystal received Prozac, mouthwash, more lines, and coffee.

The new director (the other one ended up in the hospital with a cracked skull) signaled for the scene to be put back into motion. "Take six hundred seventy eight - ACTION!"

Red gave a huff and started to make off for the farm hands mentioned earlier when a pair of arms, clad in faux fur, wrapped around his own. Crystal gave a small dog-like whine. "It hurts Red..."

"If you behave," Red cocked his head back to whisper, "later I'll make it worth your while, if you catch my drift." The boy raised his brows, hoping she caught his veiled innuendo.

He trotted on up to Azure, Orange, and Violet. They appeared to be fixing an old wagon. Violet was on the ground, maneuvering the bed into place while Orange and Azure held it up. They dropped it on Violet's finger. Seeing his chance, Red swooped in and took Azure in a headlock, using his free arm to lean against the shoddy wagon.

"Azure, what am I going to do about Blue?" He complained. "Just because Crystal chases her old cat..."