The facuty, yea that one

[Whoa!]

The Faculty
By:

Huirro and Whoa!



CHARACTERS:

LIGHT: 26, high-school dropout, paranoid, CRAZY!.
SPINCER: 20-30, salesman, crafty
JORDAN: 20-25, compassionate



SET:

Dimly lit apartment littered with trash. Newspaper clippings cover the walls and the only furniture is a stereo, two chairs and a table. A stuffed cat sits on the table.

Light sits alone in his apartment. He wears a ripped and dirty dress shirt that is buttoned incorrectly. He sits in the chair in a strange manner and does not wear shoes.

LIGHT: 99% of all conspiracies are pure fantasy or just completely absurd… but does that mean that 1% are true. (Opens his notebook and looks through the material.) If Just 1% of the conspiracies I have found are true then how can I possibly live a normal life? All the pain in the world must be the work of these conspiracies. (To the stuffed cat sitting on the table.) What do you think Isaac? Isaac? You’re never in the mood to talk. (Flips through the pages) Bob Dole trying to gain youth votes by inventing Elmo… Ridiculous. Hilary Clinton trying to destroy the minds of the young with hip-hop music… absurd. Microsoft trying to brainwash the masses with anything over windows 98. (Pauses and looks up) Plausible. Bill Gates does seem like an evil genius. Still the chances of something like that being true are less than a fraction of a percent. (There is a knock at the door. Light ignores it and continues.) Even though all of these are unlikely, something tells me I’m not wrong to believe in them. Especially the large groups of conspirators. (A knock at the door, flips through notebook while reading names aloud.) The Freemasons guild, The Sons of Hector, The Priest of Temples Of Syrix, they are all very dangerous conspirators. But the most dangerous and the largest of them all… (Another knock at the door) The Faculty! (Another series of knocks.) WHAT! (Light smacks himself in the head with his notebook) IDOIT! You let them know you’re here. You have to answer now! (Light gets up and walks to the door slumped over with his hands in his pockets. He gets halfway to the door and walks back to his chair. He jumps onto the chair and continues sitting incorrectly.) Shut up Isaac, I don’t think that they heard me. (Another knock at the door.)

SPINCER: I can hear you in there; I need to discuss something very important with you. (Light walks over to the door and unlocks several locks, and then cracks open the door.) Good day Sir, My name is Spincer Goldman. I would like to speak to you about…

LIGHT: (cutting Spincer off) I already paid the rent this month.

SPINCER: That’s not what I need to discuss.

LIGHT: I don’t want any Girl Scout cookies, I already get the newspaper, and I don’t want to learn about Jehovah. Now go away.

SPINCER: Still wrong. I’m here to tell you about some wonderful products.

LIGHT: We don’t want any! (Light slams the door but Spincer’s foot was in the door.)

SPINCER: Are you sure you don’t need anything? I have quite a lot here.

LIGHT: Do you have a shrubbery?

SPINCER: A what?

LIGHT: If you wish to enter you must bring me a Shrubbery!

SPINCER: Did you just quote Monty Python? Are you O.K., like in the head?

LIGHT: No! So you should go away!

SPINCER: Maybe you’re right. (Turns around and starts to walk away with his head down)

LIGHT: Your crappy products couldn’t help me anyway, unless they can be used for stopping conspiracies.

SPINCER: (Picks his head up quickly and smiles. Turns around slowly.) As a matter of fact, they can.

LIGHT: I don’t believe you. Prove it to me.

SPINCER: How can I prove it to you? You have to prove it to yourself.

LIGHT: That’s a great idea. You must have the magic too. The power to use Synergy.

SPINCER: (Doesn’t know what Light is talking about but tries to play it off as if he does.) Yah… Syna…Synergy, use that stuff all the time.

LIGHT: I can use the mind reading Synergy, so I could just read your mind and find out if your o.k. (Moves in odd ways that seem to be the technique for some made up power.)

SPINCER: Do I pass?

LIGHT: You don’t seem to be thinking about much of anything, but I guess that if you’re not thinking about conspiring against me then you can come in. Take off your shoes and belt and put them outside. Also no cell phones or personal communications devices.

SPINCER: Why?
LIGHT: Just do it. It would be a shame to make you leave. I really want to see what you have.

SPINCER: (starts to take off his shoes) Good, there is a lot that you should see. (Light closes the door and walks to the chair but turns around part of the way there.)

LIGHT: Almost forgot. (Runs back to the door and picks something off of the floor and slides it in the door. Light runs back to the chair and jumps in then looks across the table at Spincer who is already sitting in the other chair.) Well you already told me who you are so I guess I should introduce myself. I’m Light and this is Isaac. (Points at the stuffed cat on his table)

SPINCER: O…K. First up is this. (Pulls out a blender)

LIGHT: Why would I want a blender? I don’t eat anything that would be blended.

SPINCER: This isn’t a blender; it’s only disguised as a blender. That way they don’t know you have it.

LIGHT: That’s so smart. I would have never thought of it.

SPINCER: That’s the point.

LIGHT: So what does it do?

SPINCER: It tells you if you are the victim of a conspiracy.

LIGHT: I already know that I’m being targeted. Don’t you have anything… More useful?

SPINCER: (Puts away blender and pulls out a old-style telephone) How about this?

LIGHT: I thought I told you no phones.

SPINCER: No, this tells you if someone else is being conspired against.

LIGHT: That’s pointless. I don’t need to know about anybody else.

SPINCER: How about a product that can tell you if a specific person is conspiring against you. All you need is there name.

LIGHT: What about people that use fake names. It would be much easier to read there mind. (To the stuffed cat) This guy is useless isn’t he Isaac?

SPINCER: Hold on, I have something really great.

LIGHT: What is it?

SPINCER: (Stalling for time) I … Don’t think I can tell you hear. Your… House could be… Bugged.

LIGHT: That’s not possible. I know whenever someone comes in. There is a piece of paper in the door. If someone comes in it will fall.

SPINCER: What? I don’t get it.

LIGHT: It’s kinda like in spy movies. They would put a hair or something across the door and when they come back then they would be able to tell if someone came in.

SPINCER: I’m still confused.

LIGHT: To put it simply, if the paper is on the floor when I come back, then someone was in my room.

SPINCER: What does all of that mean?

LIGHT: It means nobody has come in my room to plant bugs.

SPINCER: (Knock at the door) what if the person that bugged your house was to…(pauses) aren’t you going to get that?

LIGHT: (pulls out a cell phone and checks the time) Come in Jordan

JORDAN: You locked the doors Jon.

SPINCER: (Same time) how come you can have a cell phone?

LIGHT: It’s not locked, I have company. And I told you not to call me Jon anymore.

JORDAN: (Opening the door and taking off her shoes) You never have company (Places shoes outside the door and picks up two bags)

LIGHT: I know, but he’s different. This is Spincer; he was just getting to the point.

SPINCER: I can’t tell you in front of her, she could be one of them.

LIGHT: No, I’ve known her since I was 4. I don’t even think she could handle the responsibility, besides I used the mind read power on her.

JORDAN: Are you talking about that Sanji thing again? I already told you, it’s all in your head.

LIGHT: You’re just jealous because you can’t use it.

JORDAN: If it’s real than why don’t you use it on everybody? Then you wouldn’t have to seclude yourself in your apartment.

LIGHT: I told you. Because it makes me really hungry whenever I use it, which reminds me did you bring lunch?

JORDAN: Yea. Salads. (Holds up bags)

LIGHT: You know I don’t eat that crap. (gets out of the chair and walks over to the stereo and picks up a bag.)

SPINCER: You need to buy this product.

LIGHT: (Walks back to the chair. Jumps in and empties the bag onto the table to reveal it was full of junk food.) You still haven’t told me what it does.

SPINCER: Fine, I guess I can tell you.

JORDAN: Don’t buy any of this crap. He just wants to make a sale. He’s lying.

LIGHT: Nope. That only looks like a blender. Don’t be fooled.

SPINCER: Anyway. This tells you what the group conspiring against you is called.

LIGHT: (Taking a bite from a candy bar that was in the bag. He talks with his mouth full) No thanks. I already know. Right Isaac.

SPINCER: What?

LIGHT: The Faculty!

SPINCER: (looks surprised then stands up) Look at the time. I have to… ah… be somewhere. (Leaves in a hurry. Doesn’t take the products or his shoes still outside Lights door.)

JORDAN: I guess we can eat now.

LIGHT: Yea.

JORDAN: Come on Jon, at least try something healthy.

LIGHT: Jordan. I’ve told you to many times.

JORDAN: Sorry… Light… But you never eat the food I bring you.

LIGHT: Isaac will eat it later.

JORDAN: Light, it’s just a stuffed cat.

LIGHT: He’s just shy. He doesn’t like to talk or eat around strangers.

JORDAN: Don’t lie about it.

LIGHT: Is it ever here the next day? You eat here everyday but you have never seen it the next day. Why? Isaac always eats it, That’s why.

JORDAN: I don’t know why I even bother with you some times.

LIGHT: Because normal guys are all A-Holes.

JORDAN: But you are completely crazy. You don’t do a single normal thing.

LIGHT: You can’t be afraid of a little abstraction. If everyone was the same life would be incredibly boring.

JORDAN: I guess you are fun to be around. Even if I don’t know why. Jordan still hasn’t touched her food)

LIGHT: aren’t you going to eat?

JORDAN:` Give it to Isaac.

LIGHT: O.K.

JORDAN: I can’t believe I acknowledged the cat as being alive.

LIGHT: You’re coming around.

JORDAN: No. You have to change, not me.

LIGHT: That’s not gonna happen.

JORDAN: I’m gonna leave now.

LIGHT: You’ve only been here for a few minutes. Don’t leave yet. I need someone to talk to.

JORDAN: You can come with me.

LIGHT: You know I can’t leave this house.

JORDAN: Of course you can leave the house. There is so much out in the world to discover. Don’t you miss being around other people.

LIGHT: You and Isaac keep me company. I don’t need anyone else.

JORDAN: You make it seem like there’s nothing wrong with the way you live.

LIGHT: It works.

JORDAN: You were normal in High School. (Puts down her head and looks depressed)

LIGHT: But I didn’t like it. That’s why I dropped out.

JORDAN: But why cut yourself off from the world.

LIGHT: I don’t trust people.

JORDAN: But you trust me?

LIGHT: You’re different.

JORDAN: I don’t see how. I guess it doesn’t matter.

LIGHT: Yea. I’m here now and that can’t be changed. (After a long pause) Why do you thing that salesman left all of his stuff here?

JORDAN: You don’t care about me do you?

LIGHT: What?!

JORDAN: Admit it, you don’t like me.

LIGHT: If I didn’t like you would I let you come over every day?

JORDAN: I don’t know why I even come here. Its obvious you don’t care.

LIGHT: (takes a bite of his candy) What’s making you say all of this. Did they get to you?

JORDAN: I guess you can’t help who you fall in love with.

LIGHT: (Choking on the candy) What?! (Jumps out of his chair.)

JORDAN: You don’t want to be alone for the rest of your life do you?

LIGHT: (Backs up slowly) Of course not.

JORDAN: Then you need to come out of your house and start a normal relationship.

LIGHT: (Hits the wall. Sits down in the corner and wraps his arms around his head like he’s trying to protect himself) But what about the Faculty. They’ll get me.

JORDAN: You said that you trust me didn’t you. Then trust me when I tell you that there are no conspiracies.

LIGHT: But…

JORDAN: (Talks as if she is depressed) I can’t keep coming here everyday. If you don’t change you’ll never see me again.

LIGHT: But…

JORDAN: You have to make a choice. Do you want to sit here and be lonely for the rest of your life, or you can take a chance on being right and having them find you out. (long pause) So that’s your answer? Goodbye. (Walks out of the house)

LIGHT: (Gets up and walks to the chair. He sits down and picks up his notebook.) Does this mean nothing has changed. Me sitting here with this stupid notebook full of fairytales. I don’t know what to believe anymore. All these conspiracies are so crazy they could never happen. But then what If I’m right about them, what if they do exist. That chances are so slim they almost don’t exist. But why let such a small chance stop me from living my life. Is it really worth being alone just to not take such a small chance? What do you think Isaac? (Looks at the stuffed cat on the table) Look at me, I’m talking to a stuffed animal. (Pushes the cat off the table) Maybe I only live this way because I don’t know how else to live. But what now? What do you do when you don’t know what to believe in?

JORDAN: (Reenters at the door) I forgot my shoes. (Leaves again)

LIGHT: (Sits for a few seconds) Hey Jordan. Wait for me. (exits through the door, several seconds laer comes back in panting) What the hell was I thinking?!

SPINCER: (Walks across stage and stops half way. Pulls out a cell phone and makes a call.) This is faculty member R-2-1-1-2 reporting. I left the bugged products in his house. You are clear to advance to stage 2. However the girl my cause problems with our plans. Also, About the target. (Pause) He Knows!





BLACKOUT

[Hikari]

Where do you guys come up with this stuff, seriously?

[Hiurro]

You forgot the last line. I fixed it for you.

[Whoa!]

actually i did
read it genious...
i put it back to the form in which i had origionally posted it
read near the end bnut not all the way at the end

Proofread next time

[Hiurro]

Sorry, I cant read

[Whoa!]

is ok
WE dont think any less of you

(Hey guys! This Dumbass cant read lol!!!)

we would never make fun of you
because you are our friend

(Yes im serious hes frickin retarded! haha!!)

[Hiurro]

I learned to read, so I know what you just wrote about me. Watch yourself.

[Whoa!]

yea
the parts in parenthesis (i can never spell that word)
were meant as if i were yelling back to a group of people making fun of u

[Hiurro]

But it wasn't so therefor The Cake is A Lie!