Life, or something like it..., Diary of Archie

[Archie Newton]

Had to rescue Jude today. Some how Madeline had tracked him to Hogwarts. She probably caught my scent on him. I don't know what to do for the best. I've put him in danger by taking him in. But at the same time, I don't want to abandon him. He has nowhere else to go really. Well, maybe he can stay at Hogwarts. I just don't know.

I told 'Tian about what happened, and got the expected lecture. I'm not supposed to wander off alone. But I can't help it. I hate being stuck at home all day while everyone else can come and go, and leave me on my own.

Haven't seen Oli much recently. Don't know what to say to him after that night. I know he cares about me, and I do care about him. But I also know that he is still very much in love with Cedric.

Marcus? Well I don't think he likes me one bit. I can't really blame him. First I kiss him, then I wolf out in front of him and then I guess I betrayed him. I couldn't help it though, I let myself become vulnerable again, something I swore I wouldn't do. And Oliver was there, I needed him and he wanted me, despite knowing what I was. I couldn't stop myself, even to spare Marcus' feelings.

Think Jude has a crush on me. Could complicate things, so I hope its just a passing thing. I'm not sure its entirely healthy, the age gap is pretty big. Plus he should really be concentrating on school right now. -- Merlin's Beard, have just turned into my Father with that one statement.

Sleeping now.

[Archie Newton]

Bad night last night. More nightmares. Have unshakeable feeling that Madeline will find me, and then... I don't know. Recurring death dreams can't be good, can they? I saw my funeral last night and my dad didn't show. Aurors never say die? Or do fathers just disown their Werewolf sons? Scratch that, their bisexual Werewolf sons?

Anyway, cut a long story very, very short, am back on the demon liquor. Not just Firewhiskey now either. I apparated to France at 3am and bought a crate of Absinthe. Okay, so I know its probably going to kill me. But oblivion is better than the nightmares. Plus I think wormwood is probably far less damaging than the stuff that goes into Wolfsbane.

I know that I promised that I wouldn't do this again. I said it to Lexie and I believed it myself. But obviously I've grown up since then and I'm not as foolish and idealistic as I was at sweet sixteen. Yeah I know, drinking at sixteen wasn't exactly the best start to adulthood. But apparently it runs in the family more than a little. Thank Merlin I'm not a breeder, or there'd be no hope for my kids.

[Archie Newton]

Tri Wizard thing starts this week. Oliver will be going no doubt, to see Cedric of course. Could be entertaining. Don't know if i'll go though, not sure I'd be entirely welcome. Tian found one of my empties this morning; I told him it was an old one. Don't know if it was a good lie or not, but I usually get better at it. Which makes me a really bad person I guess. I get into the habit of lying brilliantly to cover another bad habit. Vicious circle and all that. Oh well, since when have I been a perfect guy. Not in this life anyway.

Think I will go up to Hogwarts. At least to be with Jude. Madeline cornering him like that has kinda freaked me out a bit. He shouldn't have to deal with my problems. It isn't fair. Anyway. I'm doing my head in, hanging round the house like this. I'm going out. Don't care if I run into my psycho ex-girlfriend. What's the worse she can do? She's already made me a monster and death doesn't scare me at all.

Not anymore.

[Archie Newton]

Full Moon on the 19th.

Don't expect much in the way of diary entries for 18th, 19th and 20th. This is the first one Jude will experience first hand. I hope nothing happens. Like if I get out of the basement. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I hope I don't scare him. I'm supposed to be looking out for him after all. Do Werewolves make fit parent figures? Judging by popular opinion, they can't be trusted as Teachers...

[Archie Newton]

You know what I've been thinking about recently? A cure. Surely, somewhere there's a cure for this werewolf gig. I mean, if wolfsbane can make you tamer on a full moon, then maybe a slightly more potent variation can rid you of the curse completely? I would do anything to be rid of this, even if it meant I would become a wolf-animagus instead 3 nights a month. At least then I wouldn't be a killer.

I just don't think I cope with this for the rest of my life. I'm afraid of myself. Of what I'm capable of.

[Archie Newton]

I showed Marcus my scars. I still can't look at them without feeling physically sick. But I showed him... it felt weird, taking the cuff off. But its something I felt I had to do.

I slept with Jude too. I mean I actually stayed in the bed after sex. I woke up with him. Weird huh? I had to go and grab a drink, and had a quick chat with Lexie, but I went back afterwards. It was sort of nice too. Don't think I'll be making a habit of it though.

Still can't shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen. I don't want Jude or Lexie to get hurt. Or Oliver or Marcus or Christian. If its anyone, it should be me, I'm the one Madeline wants.

Something is definitely coming. I can feel it.

[Archie Newton]

I did it again. I don't even know how I got to be there... I just faded out and then realised what I was doing. All I know is it hurt and now there are three marks instead of two. I feel sick, I thought I'd got over that, I said I'd never do it again.

Mind you I said I would never let myself fall in love, not again, not ever, and just look what's happened.

He makes me feel comfortable with myself. I can talk to him. I'm not so afraid of what I am when he's there, I just accept myself. Like he accepts me. I just hope he doesn't find out what I did. He's seen the scars, but I don't want him to know there's a fresh one.

[Archie Newton]

Tuesday 18th October

She's coming....

[Archie Newton]

November 25 1994

They say I had some kind of accident. A motorbike crash or something. I have always wanted one, so it could have been true. I read all about it in the newspaper. Trouble is, I don't believe it. But I don't remember what really happened. No-one will tell me anything either. I don't know whether its because I'm too fragile or if they just think I'm stupid.

I do know some things. I know I play Quidditch, but I can't remember what that is. I know I'm a wizard, but I couldn't do any magic if you asked. I know I'm a werewolf. But I can't remember how or why or when I became one. I can tell you that I'm Scottish, I live in Edinburgh and the first guy I ever kissed was Billy Quinn on the Hogwarts Express in my 3rd year. But I don't know my parents' names, I didn't remember I had a sister and until I read it the other day I didn't know my own name.

They say I broke my neck and damaged my spine, something inside got busted up, cracked ribs, done Merlin knows what to my brain... All I know is that I ache. I feel pain constantly, but they say that will go away in time. There's something else though. Something deeper than these physical wounds. I feel betrayed. Like someone has hurt me who never should have.

Despite the fact I can't move, can't even breathe without being in some kind of physical agony. The worst feeling I have right now is knowing that I'm in love. Completely and helplessly in love. But I don't know who with. I can't even remember their name, and I need to know, because I want them so much.

[Archie Newton]

If you want a lover
Ill do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
Ill wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
Im your man

If you want a boxer
I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor
Ill examine every inch of you
If you want a driver
Climb inside
Or if you want to take me for a ride
You know you can
Im your man

Ah, the moons too bright
The chains too tight
The beast wont go to sleep
Ive been running through these promises to you
That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees
Or Id crawl to you baby
And Id fall at your feet
And Id howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And Id claw at your heart
And Id tear at your sheet
Id say please, please
Im your man

And if youve got to sleep
A moment on the road
I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone
Ill disappear for you
If you want a father for your child
Or only want to walk with me a while
Across the sand
Im your man

If you want a lover
Ill do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
Ill wear a mask for you