welcome

the reality is i'm getting away
with murder.

( saylem jersey desrosiers. )

sometimes life isn’t black and white;
it’s black and blue.

i need to calculate what creates my own madness.

• - my name is caity.
• - been living for seventeen.
• - got myself a vagina.
• - i also own no one.
• - reach me at private message me, fool.
• - the grapevine said you emailed me, fool.
• - this is a one of a kind original, babeh.

your the master, and i am waiting for disaster.

• - my birth certificate says saylem jersey desrosiers.
• - though some peoplecall me say, saylem, seajay, say-d.
• - i was born on may third.
• - and been living for eighteen.
• - i roll with the singers.

• - i swing towards the boys.
• - you know i love you none.
• - defining characteristics ears and bellybutton. two black stars and a purple star on her left hip.
• - they say i look like wendy chermak

somewhere beyond happiness and sadness.

• - for the things i like • guitar • singing • songwriting • her family • friends • sunshine • summer • festivals • band tee’s • mosh pits • facebook • starbucks • chai tea latte’s • camp • wilderness • stargazing • chocolate fondue • strawberries and whipped cream • getting her hair done • make-up • shopping • american apparel • west 49 • skateboarding • snowboarding • chick flicks • gossip girl • love • journals • books • bookstores • coffee shops • acoustic shows • a lot more •
• - for the things i dislike • pickles • being forced into things • being yelled at • blood • needles • drugs • pompous jerks • cloudy nights • grey days • cold feet • winter • high school • break-ups • gory movies • dead batteries • expensive restaurants • driving in the snow • when her brother gets really protective • out of tune guitars • breaking guitar strings •
• - some call these annoying • sings along to every song she knows, no matter where she is • eats icecream with a spoon out of a cone • mixes french and english in her sentences • swears in french • rambles when she’s nervous • bites her nails •
• - my wish upon a star is • to play a big stadium concert • fall in love • get married • adopt a haitian baby •
• - i am scared of the following • sleeping with the door open • falling in love and being rejected • messing up in a big concert • disappointing her daddy • losing her family • needles • death •
• - i keep these to myself • despite popular belief, she is not a virgin •

• - this is just how i am “I don’t want to merely tell you, I want to show you.
I try to be genuine, to let the real person inside shine through.
I try to be honest, to speak my mind no matter how hard.
I try to be loving, to love with no conditions.
I try to be happy, to smile no matter what’s going on.
I try to be humble, to give credit to others.
I try to be real, to lift others above of myself.
I try to be beautiful, from the inside.
I try to be me, Saylem Jersey Desrosiers.

Something I’ve always struggled with is being genuine, showing people who I really am. When all I really want to do is hide away behind some mask that I create in first grade art, out of paper and glue. You know the stuff, the really sticky stuff. Yes, even when all I want is to cover myself with a façade, I want to be genuine. It’s so hard to just stick it out, to be me even when the rest of the world is laughing. But, I try. Even when I want to just get away from me and get some peace of mine, I’m going to try to be genuine, to be me no matter the consequence. It’s something I’ve never really understood, why it’s so hard to be yourself in the world today. Why is it so hard to be the person you were born to be? Why is there a constant battle inside of yourself, fighting between reality and who you really want to be. Because, who you want to be isn’t always who you’re supposed to be. I want to be genuine, I want to be real. Honesty and trust, something I’ve defiantly never been good at. Whenever somebody asked me if I was alright, I’d force a smile and nod my head. I was always alright, nobody was ever allowed to know that I was actually hurting. In my mind, I mixed up this crazy idea that I had to be alright, I wasn’t allowed to hurt, I wasn’t allowed to cry – I had to always be alright. And it broke down my ability to trust, because I had to be alright, I couldn’t honestly trust people. I couldn’t let anyone in, I couldn’t let them see the real me. But, I’m trying to change. I want to be honest with my friends and family, I want to trust again. I want to fall into someone’s arms and cry, I want to shake my head if I’m not alright. I don’t want to lie, I don’t want my life to be a façade. So, I want to be honest.
Love, something I’ve never had a problem with. Sometimes it was a bad thing, that I threw my whole heart into things, I loved completely, but I never loved without condition. I always kept a hand on my heart, ready to pull it back to me if anything went wrong. I never trusted enough to love unconditionally. I want to do that, I’m so sick of faking it. I’m so sick of pulling my heart away before it gets broken. Sometimes your heart needs a good break, so you can see who the people that really love you are. Sometimes you got to have a broken heart in order to see who can really fix it. I want to love people before I love myself, I want to show people that they deserve to be loved. Starting with my friends and family, I want to love. I’ve always been the girl with the smile on her face and the contagious laugh. No matter what I was feeling inside, I was happy. At least, outwardly I was. Inside, I was a mess. But, I want that to change. I want to truly realize that I’m allowed to feel depressed, crushed and broken. I’m allowed to feel emotions, I am human. I want my happiness to be real, I want to smile because I’m happy. I want to be happy because of the people around me. I want to show the world that despite the fact that I’ve been to the epitome of hell, I can still smile. I can still be happy, that’s the kind of happy I want to be. I don’t want it to be fake, I want it to be real.

Humility is a struggle for everyone on the planet, surely I want to give myself credit for the stuff I do right. But, shouldn’t I think of people before myself? Isn’t that how it should work? Sometimes I give myself the credit for things that other people are responsible. I want to be humble. I want to give credit to people who deserve it, not just myself. And I want to take the blame for things that I’ve done wrong, not always blame it on other people. I want to think of others before myself, raise them high and show them that they are worth it. They’ve done things to change my life, they make me smile and that I love them. I want to be humble. The reality of it is, we’re all just living to get a disease. The disease of self. We’re all just living to hold a mask up to our faces, put on a show and hide the reality behind a wall. I want to be daring, I want to take my mask and shatter it against a brick wall, I don’t want to hide anymore, I want to truly be myself, freely and completely. I want to show people who I am behind the stupid mask, behind the curtains of the show of my life. I want it to be real, not just something to please others. I’m not alive to make you happy well I demote myself downwards, I want to be real. Outward beauty is too important to people in this society, in this day and age. Yet, those who base their judgement solely on an outward appearance are completely shallow. We need to start looking deeper, going past skin deep and travelling into the heart no matter how terrifying it might be. I want to look in a mirror and see true beauty, not have to cover up with make-up and fake smiles. I want to see beauty that shines through my eyes, in happiness, in love, in truth. I want to be inwardly beautiful, someone people love for the inside, not for the outside. I want to be real, I want to be beautiful. It’s hard, it’s truthfully so very hard. Being me is a job all in itself, and it’s so very hard. But, I want to try. I want to try to be myself no matter how hard it’s going to be. I want to be genuine, I want to be loving, I want to my honest, I want to be happy, I want to be humble, I want to be real and I want to be beautiful. But most of all, I want to be Saylem Jersey Desrosiers. I want to be me.”

i never look back cause i don't even want to

• - i was born to david desrosiers (bassist of simple plan) and jersey lewis-desrosiers (hair stylist).
• - for siblings i have ___ ___ desrosiers – brother – twenty-one.
• - then there is also a few mismatched cousins here and there.
• - i'm originally from ontario, canada.
• - i get around by her truck, yeah, she has a pick-up truck.

• - this is my story
• “May third was the day, the flowers blooming and the Ontario sun gleaming in the high, blue sky. Everything was well with the world, a three year old Desrosiers boy played happily on the lawn out back, with a beaming, and very pregnant mother watching his every move. The father of the boy, and the child to be was out on a business trip to Vancouver, but everything was well with the world. That is, until a very anxious baby decided that she needed to make an appearance on that beautiful afternoon, and she wanted out fast.”
• “That was me, if you didn’t catch my drift. But don’t feel too bad for my family, I did give my mom only six, short hours of labour before popping out, probably looking a lot like a smurf. Yeah, I was pretty darn blue and the doctor’s did not see that as a pleasant surprise. And so, little unnamed baby Desrosiers was rushed through the hospital to a pretty plastic box that became my home for the next two weeks.”
• “Finally two weeks ended and my small, now normal coloured body was brought out of the plastic hospital box and placed straight into the arms of my beaming father. I think the doctor’s had a choice in whether I became a daddy’s girl or a momma’s girl, they picked daddy.”
• “Two days after that fateful day, I was finally allowed to be brought home to my decked out nursery room of yellow and green. Way to not be cliché parents, I’m proud of you.”
• “So, onward with my life. The next few months were filled with me being paraded around by my beaming parents, being oo’ed and ah’ed over as my little baby cheeks got pinched until they could no longer, thank you parents, you tried to kill me.”
• “Nothing big really happened to me until I was just about five years old. Somehow, my four year old hands got themselves onto one of my dad’s old guitars. Trust me, it was bigger than I was but my little fingers found the need to learn how to play the huge instrument. My dad was thrilled.”
• “Of course, it wasn’t until I was seven that I actually began to learn how to play the guitar, before then, my fingers just couldn’t stay on the chords long enough to play anything. Finally, on my seventh birthday – my parents purchased me my own acoustic guitar and I began my first round of guitar lessons.”
• “I spent most of my time playing that guitar after I received it, between guitar playing and school – my life was packed. I had no time for a budding social life like the rest of my schoolmates, all I needed was my daddy, my mommy, my brother and my guitar – that was enough for me.”
• “Of course, the day I walked into the seventh grade and met Rydin Harlem James, I knew all of that was coming to a dead stop. Immediately, me and Rydin became the most inseparable of friends you could think of. He became my best friend, and the one that brought out my love for song writing and singing on top of guitar playing.”
• “The first time I preformed a song that I had written (in the black journal dad got me when I came to him with the dream of becoming a singer), I preformed it for Rydin and dad. The two people I trusted in my life. They thought it was wonderful.”
• “When I was fourteen, my dad came home more excited than I had seen him in a long time. I could hear him and my mom talking in the next room, my mom didn’t sound happy – but dad, dad sounded ecstatic. All I really heard was my mom, “David, I’m not sure she can handle that yet, she’s only fourteen.” Curious as anything, and knowing they were talking about me – I burst into the room, “What don’t you think I can handle?” My mom looked shocked as I tumbled through the door, my dad just smiled.”
• “Me and dad left for LA a month before my ninth grade year ended. Mom and my brother were going to join us soon after he finished up his school year, but I was wanted in LA as soon as possible. I had no doubt that high school would not be important anymore. (Of course my parents made me continue my schooling online).”
• “I still remember the day I met my producer for the first time, my dad was beaming at me as I shook his hand and he raved about the demo he had heard of me. It all seemed like a dream, me? Seriously – I was going to be a singer? That was my dream. I showed him the songs I had written in my journal, and he told me he wanted to get me an EP as soon as possible.”
• “Of course, I was still only fourteen at that point and the life of a singer soon took its toll on me. There were times I doubted that it was actually what I wanted to do. Sure, I’d play shows, I met bands and other singers – but, I felt so alone. I smiled, I laughed and I acted like everything was perfect, but on the inside, I was slipping deeper and deeper into the grasps of depression.”
• “My mom took my sudden drop to depression as a sign that she was right, and immediately tried to pull me out of the spotlight by taking me on a vacation back to Ontario to visit my grandparents. Of course, once you start – you can’t stop. By the time we reached my grandparents house, there were TV cameras and reporters all over the front lawn.”
• “I felt trapped, and completely alone.”
• “I went back to LA with little rest, and still falling deeper into a pit of depression. That’s when I met Ennik, I felt like he got me more than anyone in the world. Somehow, he knew how I felt and he knew how to cheer me up after a long day of publicity or recording. I fell in love before I hit the ground.”
• “As my production company put together a full concert band for me, somehow I lucked out and Ennik became my drummer. This gave us the excuse to spend more and more time together. There was something different about him, he wasn’t like the rest of the band, or the other bands I’d met. He was different, in a good way. He had something that I desperately wanted.”
• “I asked him about it one day when I was fifteen, he told me he’d pick me up Sunday morning at nine thirty. I was waiting outside by nine. He took me to a church called Angelus Temple, it felt weird at first – but everybody there seemed so happy, so loving and open. And for the first time in almost two years, I felt loved for who I was, no what I did.”
• “I kept going with Ennik every Sunday, and started going to something called Saturday Night Redefined on Saturday nights, slowly, I grasped a concept nobody saw coming. I became a Christian, and my life started to brighten. I didn’t know if I was just on a high, or if I’d crash sooner or later – but I liked what I was feeling.”
• “After about a three months, I felt better, I had made new friends, and I genuinely knew how to laugh and be happy again. Not to mention that Ennik and me started to date. It was like a TV show, I felt like I was walking on clouds. He was perfect to me, my life was getting back on track and slowly, everything went back to normal. Better than normal, my career was taking off and my relationships were better than ever.”
• “It was just last year when me and Ennik took it too far. I know it shouldn’t have happened, or at least – I was always told that waiting until marriage would be better, but when you’re in the heat of the moment, you don’t think these things through. I gave my virginity to my first love, that has to count for something right? Except, right after it happened I felt sick, I thought I was pregnant at first, but I wasn’t – I just felt sick. So did Ennik he said, we had to back things up big time.”
• “The day me and Ennik broke up, I think I almost died. He told me we could still be friends, I knew that was a lie. Me and Ennik would never be just friends, I truly loved him and I think he truly loved me – you can’t step back from that. It hurt, a lot. He asked to leave the band, we found a new drummer and we slowly lost contact. I didn’t think I’d ever get over him, and I still think about him constantly.”
• “I graduated from high school shortly after my seventeenth birthday, and the past year has been a whirlwind of getting my singing career off the ground. I’ll know I’ve really made it when I play a stadium show, until then – it’s my passion, my dream and my career. (PS. I think I love life.)”

and i'm addicted to your punishments

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you made this come true.
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