Afiliates

[botanicbubbles]

1 JOKE PER POST

The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'
states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks,
'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window
and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot
in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly...
WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the
Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,
he gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 275 mph.
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out,
and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows
into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably,
the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.'

[M1L]

lol, that's awesome. And a Ferrari GTO going 320mph, LOL. They're both hilarious.

[botanicbubbles]

Don't nitpick, it's annoying.

[M1L]

I said it was hilarious, gezz. Besides, you saying 'Don't nitpick, it's annoying.' is being a hypocrit.

[botanicbubbles]

That's fine. I should have said "don't kill the joke and ruin it, it's annoying."

[M1L]

I didn't intend to kill the joke, a Ferrari going 320 freakin' mph, adds to the joke in my opinion. it's funny because no production car can legally travel that fast, and a Ferrari is sure as hell not going to do it, lol. The fact that the old mans moped didn't explode or catch fire is even more hilarious, lol. OMG... lol.

[botanicbubbles]

A man went to the doctor after he twisted his knee playing golf.
"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.
When the man asked why, the doctor replied, "Because I'm trying to examine your knee."

[M1L]

Wow, that's gross... lol.

[botanicbubbles]

A blond called a travel agent and asked "How long is a flight from New York to san Francisco?"
"Just a minute," said the agent.
The blond said thank you and hung up.

[M1L]

OMG that's awesome! But sexist...

[botanicbubbles]

Since when are you so damn politically correct? It's a joke, get over it.

[M1L]

What?! lol, it's sexist and that's that. There's nothing to get over. Besides I did laugh, and I did say it was awesome. Gezz..

[botanicbubbles]

What's blue and smells like red paint?

[botanicbubbles]

6 monks are on a pilgrimage through China. It comes to winter, there’s a huge blizzard and the monks get separated. One of them ends up wandering alone, having lost all sense of direction. All he has with him is about 2 weeks worth of water. He wanders for 2 1/2 weeks and eventually comes across a farmhouse. He stumbles to the door and a kindly farmer answers. The monk explains his situation, tells the farmer he's starving and needs a drink and the farmer invites him in. The farmer gives the monk some bread and water and invites the monk to stay for a couple of days until he gets some strength back. The farmer lays out one condition. He tells the monk: "you are welcome to stay, but whatever you do, don't even think about touching my daughter or i'll subject you to the three worst tortures imaginable". The monk agrees to this quickly. No way is he going to touch the farmers daughter.

That evening the monk sits down to dinner with the farmer. Then the daughter walks in and the monk's jaw hits the floor. She's beautiful. And I mean just absolutely perfect. She sits down opposite the monk and they start dinner. Halfway through he feels the daughter’s foot rubbing up his leg. He quickly finishes dinner, locks himself in his room and goes to sleep.

In the middle of the night he hears a soft tapping on his door. He gets up and opens it and there's the daughter, standing outside his door. She immediately kisses him and asks him if he wants her to come in. The monk replies: "oh I would love you to come in, but i promised your father i wouldn't touch you. If I do he'll subject me to the 3 worst tortures imaginable, so I’m afraid I have to say no." Looking disappointed the daughter leaves.

The monk doesn't sleep for the rest of the night. He's not sure if he made a good decision. Anyway, the next day he gets up and offers to help the farmer around the farm. The farmer says no, but the monk insists. Eventually, the farmer asks him to put some more straw in the stables. The monk goes into the stables and as soon as he gets in there the daughter follows him and shuts the door. She tells him he can have her now and there’s no way the farmer would ever know. Again, the monk rejects her out of respect for the farmer’s hospitality and fear of the tortures.

That night, after dinner, the monk is in his room. There's a knock on the door. It's the daughter again. She walks into the room, locks the door and begs the monk to pleasure her. The monk thinks, "well she's the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and I’m leaving tomorrow. Fuck it". The couple spend the night having the most incredible sex. An hour before dawn the daughter leaves to go back to her own room so the farmer won't find out and he monk falls into a deep contented sleep.

The next morning he wakes up and the first thing he see is a huge boulder on his chest. On it are carved the words: "you touched my daughter. I will now subject you to the 3 worst tortures imaginable. 1st torture: huge boulder on your chest".

The monk thinks “that’s a fairly pathetic torture because as big as the boulder is, it really doesn’t hurt much”. He gets up and throws the boulder out of the window. As he does so he sees another message carved on the window ledge.

"2nd torture: left testicle attached to huge boulder"

The monk tries to stop the boulder falling, but it's falling out of reach so he just jumps blindly after it out of the window. As he does so he sees another message carved in huge letters in the courtyard outside his window.

"3rd torture: right testicle attached to bedpost"

[M1L]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when Tiffany, a blonde woman, got off work late one night. She managed to make her way to her car but wondered how she was going to make it home. Tiffany sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice: If she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and then follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better.

Sure enough, in a little while a snowplow went by and Tiffany started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug because she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, Tiffany was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped, the driver got out, came back to her car, and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was alright, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine, and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted-- but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.