The Smelting Corner, The Running Article Series

[Nick]

These are all the articles that I have written (with obvious help from other individuals) that I have entitled "The "Smelting" Corner".

[Nick]

The "Smelting" Corner
By Nadya Volimova

Wherein our reporter extracts information by "beating" answers out of her interviewees.

Lately in the Imperium, there has been talk in Bully Harbor. Talk of a radio show being broadcast from the Bilge in the Bucket. Now, most of you may be wondering, what is a radio? And what is a radio show? And what does 'broadcast' mean? Well, we interviewed the producer of this show, one Rex Plushpaw, to learn these answers.

Nadya: Hello Rex, thank you for your time.

Rex: Hullo there Nadya. Beauiful name. Flows off the tongue, Nadya, Nadya.

Nadya: Well, thank you very much. Rex is a very... interesting name as well. Shall we start with the questions?

Rex: Of course. I hope you don't mind I'm recording this. [Rex taps on the spearhead he is holding.]

N.: [Nadya looks around.] Not at all... Perhaps we should start at the beginning. What is a radio show?

R.: Good question. A radio show is a method of spreading out sound waves of the news to the listening ears of the Vulpine Imperium in a very efficient method of sound transmissions and complicated technology.

N.: Uh huh... And how do you transmit these "sound waves"?

R.: Wires, a few brooms and stuff. Switch knows the technicalities of it. I think he got a degree at MIT about it.

N.: Ah... Two part question: Who is Switch, and what is MIT?

R.: Ah, Switch is my ever resourceful pal and soundrat for the show with a really cool accent. MIT is the Mossflower Insistute of Technology. (Ed. Note: There is the MIT Asylum on the outstirks of Bully Harbor)

N.: Wonderful. We'll have to ask him some questions later. But, for now, we still have some for you. How did you come up with the idea for the radio show?

R.: Well, it all started because the Smelt is a weaseling murker of a newscript that failed to see the value of my rhetoric and personality. I suggesed the idea of a movie review article and they promply kicked me in the tail into a mud puddle where I was hauled away by the Stoatarian Guard to a charming state of residence with cushiony walls that were a bit of fun to bounce off. They said I was mad or something but I didn't feel the least bit angry. While I distracted myself with the echo effect in the room, I started thinking about sound, then I started thinking of talking to other beasts, and then I started thinking of the other way to spread news and then I had a muffin for breakfast and met Switch. We left that strange inn, Switch gave me this microphone, and I decided to start a radio show to spite the Smelt. No offense.

N.: None taken. Not like I was Editor at the time, anyways. Now, for the question that I'm sure everybody is asking themselves: What is a radio?

R.: It's a box for listening to a radio show. I guess Switch's explanation would be more suiting to the public though.

N.: I... see... Perhaps we should ask Switch to elaborate, then? Switch?

Switch: Lurrhergeer Ubbberliggggrrrre milllerbrrglililil perterigilerre.

N.: ... Uh... [Nadya looks at Rex.]

R.: See? Makes a lot more it makes a lot more sense when he explains, though some of his technology jargan goes over somebeasts' heads.

N.: Ah... Yes. [Nadya coughs.] Indeed. Much easier to understand... Well, thank you both very much. It has been a pleasure interviewing you both, and we look forward to the next edition of your... show.

R.: Ah, the pleasures all mine, fair maiden. You wouldn't be open to possibly be a co-anchor or something, would you?

N.: Oh... Well, I thank you very much for the offer, but I do believe that my duties as the new Editor of the Smelt will keep me much too busy in the future to do so. Perhaps we could collaborate or something, though. Yes?

R.: Oh, absolutely. I shall now consider the Smelt a friend of the Unauthorized Vulpine Imperium Radio Show...soon to be authorized once I hunt down one of those minesters...ur...I mean, have a meeting with...yeah.

N.: [Nadya looks around.] Indeed. Switch, any closing statements?

S.: Werrrrileerriblierebbisrersic, dude.

R.: What?

S.: Urreerb.

R.: Oh.

N.: [Whispers.] What did he say?

R.: [Whispers.] He thinks your hot.

N.: [Coughs.] There you have it, folks. Everything there is to know behind the Unauthorized Vulpine Imperium Radio Show. Big thanks go out to Rex Plushpaw and Switch, who volunteered their time for this interview. Remember to check out our next edition of "The Smelting Corner", when we will find another beast to interview. 'Til next time, dear readers!

[Nick]

The "Smelting" Corner
By Nadya Volimova

Wherein our reporter manages to "mold" her interviewees in such a way that things become much clearer.

Not too long ago, the Imperium was given a brand-new Minister of Niceties. This new Minister, one Miles S. Mistoffelees, used to be a singer in the Opera House located in Satire Square, but decided to move into politics. We interviewed Mr. Mistoffelees to discover why.

Nadya: Hello, Minister Mistoffelees. Thank you ever so much for devoting some time today to us.

Miles: My pleasure, madame. Sorry about the crumpets.

Nadya: Oh, not at all. They were quite delicious, even if they were a bit burnt. Shall we begin?

Miles: [Nods.] Yes, of course...

N.: Wonderful. Why don't we start from the beginning; when did you decide to join the opera company here in Bouillabaisse Harbor?

M.: Oh, that. It was quite sudden. My gran always said I had a good voice, and I just loved music, so when auditions came up, I tried out. Not to mention the wages were far better than my previous job.

N.: I see. Has your grandmother always been a big influence on your life and the decisions you make?

M.: [Shifts uncomfortably.] In the past, she has been. She was dead set against the opera when I asked her to attend, so I haven't... actually told her about my becoming tenor in the productions I've been in.

N.: Ah, I see. Well, let's just hope she doesn't read the Smelt, eh? [Giggles.]

M.: Oh, she can't read. She says it's a waste of time.
Though she is proud that I'm the Minister of Niceties now, she still refuses to let me teach her.

N.: Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me. How <i>ever</i> did you decide to make the transition from opera tenor to Minister of Niceties?

M.: It was perhaps even more sudden than the previous transition-- I'd arrived a bit late to the show one morning, the morning when the Unsmudgables were giving out those little forms, and so I was temporarily fired until the next production began. I had nothing to do all day, so I figured, why not fill it out?

N.: Interesting. So you're telling me, and the public, that the only reason you were given the position of Minister of Niceties was because you filled out an application sheet the Unsmudgables were handing out?

M.: Well, yes. That was how it was being done.

Of course, there was a week or two of more questions. Drills and things I had to know before I could honestly be considered.

N.: Oh? What kind of drills and things?

M.: Mostly how to not die if the Ministry went up in flames. I think they made me do them partly because of the new Minister of War, but I don't quite see why.

Then there was all that "what would you do if this happened" sort of questions. They wanted me to speak them in person, rather than on a parchment.

N.: You mentioned the new Minister of War. Have you had much experience, or problems, dealing with her? (Ed. Note: The new MinoWar is one IceRain Sleet.)

M.: I honestly haven't had the chance to talk with her much, though I've met her. If I recall, it seemed to go well. So, no, no problems yet.

... Yet.

N.: That seems like quite an ominous addition. Are you expecting to have problems while dealing with her?

M.: From all reports I've read, it's inevitable. Every Minister and Ministry has, in their career, had their spats with their fellow Ministers. There was only one Minister who never did, but that was because he was so disliked they assassinated him four hours after he was appointed.

N.: Ah, quite intriguing. Don't you think, though, that, as the Minister of Niceties, you should try to put the "right paw forward", as they say, and at least attempt to make sure such an encounter doesn't occur between you two?

M.: That's the problem right there. I'm the only Minister expected to do that-- and while I will, it will either come at a time when such a gesture will be the wrong one to make, or it will turn War's thoughts about me the wrong way-- or the right way. She is, after all, a beast of action and temperment. Appearing friendly is to appear weak, which is to be no use to the MinoWar, which is to become annoying, a thorn in her side.

Suffice it to say that I don't believe the Minister of War to be an easy beast to get along with, for anyone.

N.: My, that was rather poetic, and still managed to carry a rather concise point to it. I suppose that's just another reason why you were chosen to be the Minister of Niceties, no?

M.: I suppose so... in the opera, you sing this sort of thing all the time-- poetry with a point. Usually a point that can be made in less than half the time it takes to sing about it, but that's opera.

N.: [Giggles.] Indeed. Moving on. I don't suppose you ever had any dealings with the previous Minister of Niceties, Teresa Doxtrod-Lancaster?

M.: Very few. At the time of her, shall we say 'reign', I was just one of the many sweepers in the Niceties' museums. I've caught glimpses of her, exchanged pleasantries, but I've never had the chance to go beyond that.

N.: A pity. She seemed to have held quite an established persona around the Imperium. Do you think you can live up to the legacy that she left behind?

M.: Me? Well... I honestly can't say for certain. There are simply too many variables. I may be able to live up to her legacy-- or -a- legacy. But I just can't say.

I suppose if I want to... I better quit and join the Navy for a few years, first. But I'd never do that.

N.: [Giggles.] Oh, you are a rather amusing fellow, you know. And rather handsome, as well. [Bats eyelashes.]

M.: So it's often said.

N.: I should dare say. You must have to fend the females away, what with all your power, good looks and personality. Or are you married beast?

M.: [Coughs distractedly.] Well, I would be, but my gran... Well, would you like another crumpet?

N.: [Bats eyelashes.] Perhaps later, over some tea. I just have a few more questions...

M.: Mm, yes?

N.: After being given the position of Minister of Niceties, one of the first things you did was create a brand-new holiday, which has become known as Flinky Day. I must confess, this is a bit of a two-parter, but, for those who don't know, could you tell us who exactly Flinky was? And, likewise, could you explain why you decided to create the holiday in the first place?

M.: Hm. Well, the Imperium often celebrates the birthday of Beetleborb, perhaps our most famous composer of music. But there was no holyday in celebration of our grandest poet, Flinky-- ah, he has no last name. Flinky was a stoat who lived ages ago, absolute ages. While his poetry is somewhat outdated, his influence pretty much made our modern poems what they are today.

I was unable to find Flinky's precise birth date, but the 16th of every month is, to me, a very special day.

N.: Oh? Is there a reason for that?

M.: Indeed there is-- Tradition is a long-standing... er, tradition, in my family. Every 16th, my gran makes waffles instead of pancakes. So I suppose Flinky Day's original name could be Waffle Day.

N.: Fascinating. Your grandmother really has had a big influence on your life, hasn't she?

M.: Ah, yes, she has. Though the Imperium may rest assured that she's not the true Minister of Niceties. [Chuckles]

N.: [Giggles.] Quite. Well, I thank you very much for your time, Minister. Perhaps after we finish, you'd be able to give me a tour of your beautiful homestead here.

M.: [Winks.] Perhaps.

N.: [Titters.] Oh you.

Well, we thank you all very much for joining us for this edition of the Smelting Corner. And, once again, thank you Minister Mistoffelees for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to us today.

M.: You're welcome, madame.

N.: Be sure to keep reading, as we find another individual of the Imperium to interview.

Now... [Giggles.] About that tour...

M.: I really am sorry about the crumpets...

N.: Not at all. [Smiles.]

Until next time, dear readers!

[Nick]

The "Smelting" Corner
By Nadya Volimova

Wherein our reporter "extracts" information by putting her interviewees on the "hot seat".

Yes, dear readers, the Smelting Corner has returned once again. This time, we managed to get an appointment to talk with the newly appointed Minister of Misanthropy, one Vladimir L. Ullyanov. Most all of Bully Harbor, not to mention the whole Imperium, wonders what exactly the Ministry of Misanthropy does. Well, we asked Minister Ullyanov himself, to find out, straight from the source.

Nadya: Good afternoon, Minister. How very gracious of you to give us some of your very valuable time.

Vladimir: Not at all, always a pleasure dealing with the press...

Nadya: Yes, I'm quite sure. I do realize that your time is limited, however, so shall we begin?

Vladimir: Of course.

N.: Well, as with everyone, let's start from beginning: how long have you been in the Imperium?

V.: [Thinks.] I arrived sometime late in 1724 I think. Whenever it was, I quickly found myself aboard the Skeered of Nothing as a lowly deckhand.

N.: So you truly had to work your way from the bottom up. And in just over two years? That's quite an accomplishment.

V.: [Laughs.] Just shows how much opportunity there is in the Imperium, if you know where to look. I was fortunate in my first few months on the Skeered though, attracting the Captain's attention I found myself as ship's Bosun after only a few months.

N.: Opportunity indeed. That must've been when our current Captain of the Stoatorian Guard, Raserei Gotalmo, was Captain of the Skeered. You two have a good relationship?

V.: Overall, yes. Like all relationships, there's been a few ups and downs. But Captain Gotalmo is an excellent officer, and he taught me a lot of things while I served under him. He also introduced me to this Ministry, although I'm sure you understand that I can't go into specifics.

N.: Oh, of course. [Nods.] Now, you said that Captain Gotalmo introduced you to the Ministry of Misanthropy. Did he also introduce you to now ex-Minister IronPaw Skarblade?

V.: He did, although I didn't meet him in person until some time later. Minister Skarblade kept himself to himself, and you had to be part of his close circle to get to meet him for any length of time. When you have this job for any length of time, you become quite concious of your security.

N.: I can rightly imagine. There are some rumors that there is no love lost, if you will, between you and ex-Minister Skarblade; that you two have not had the best history. Are these rumors true?

V.: You might think that; I could not possibly comment. [Slight smile.]

N.: Ah... Of course. [Chuckles lightly.] Moving on, then, I suppose. You were a Captain in the Imperial Navy for some time. Do you expect any trouble transitioning from that status straight to being the Minister of Misanthropy?

V.: Well, I spent a few months this autumn on Admiral Freemont's staff, so I had some time to start getting used to not being at sea all the time. But it is something of an adjustment from a life at sea to a life behind a desk. The <i>Skeered</i> is a wonderful ship, and I'm sure under Captain Rokford it will continue to prosper.

N.: The Skeered of Nothing has had a rather extensive list of Captain's in its past. One of them being ex-Minister Skarblade. I don't suppose it's ever occurred to you that you might be following in ex-Minister Skarblade's footsteps, has it?

V.: [Soft chuckle.] The Skeered does seem to have a history of Captains going on to greater things. After all, it's produced a Minister of Innovation, a Minister of War, two Admirals of the Fleet and now two Ministers of Misanthropy!

N.: [Whistles; nods.] Not to mention many other Captains coming from the crew of the Skeered: half of the fleet is Captained by individuals that came from her ranks. That truly is a history of excellence.

V.: [Nods.] Indeed, even the [current] Admiral (Ed. Note: one Nuori Freemont) was once a crewbeast on the Skeered. We were good friends before she transferred to the Golden Hide. And of course, Captain deVispilio, her current Captain, another beast I know very well from my days on the Skeered.

N.: [Nods.] Indeed. I know him quite well myself. Well, Minister, I must thank you for your time here today. I'm sure our readers would like to know a bit more about what Misanthropy does, but I suppose that will have to wait until next time. Not that you'd be able to divulge too much about such topics, would you...?

V.: [Slight smile.] I'm afraid the nature of our operations means secrecy is a prime concern for us. But I'm sure we could arrange for the Smelt to visit us again in the future. Just remember to make an appointment: I'd hate for there to be a misunderstanding...

N.: [Blinks; awkward chuckle.] Of course... Well, once again, thank you for your time, Minister.

V.: [Smiles; nods.] A pleasure.

N.: There you have it, dear readers. All in cold print for you to read, words straight from the new Minister of Misanthropy, Vladimir L. Ullyanov. We here at the Smelt wish the Minister a long and prosperous reign in office. Remember to check the next edition of "The Smelting Corner", when we will find another beast to interview. 'Til next time, dear readers!