Jokes

its easy people just put your best jokes here.

here is 1 to start you off.

While trying to escape Iraq, Saddam found a bottle in a cave and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Saddam.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Saddam thought a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The highly annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning he woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding & Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

A guy was stung in his penis by a bee and told that to his wife.
Oh my god she said, you must see a doctor.
Are you kidding the man said, i'd be to ashamed.
Ok then she said i'll go for you.
So at the doctors office she explained the problem.
Wow said the doctor thats very dangerous.
The only thing you can do is to suck out the venom or he will die.
At home the husband asked; And what did the doctor say?
So his wife said;
O uh...... your gonna die.

A Pirate walks into a tavern. The bartender give the Pirate a funny look, and finally speaks up as the man struts up to the bar.

"Sir, are you aware you have a ship's steering wheel sticking out of the fly of your pants?"

To which the Pirate responds,

"Yes, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

Rectum Stretcher

While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little
faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a
cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled
me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk
we all know about, asked.....

"What's your hurry?"

"I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher"

"A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher
do?"

"Well, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

"And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge ."

Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00
Look on cop's face ... Priceless

Some guys are in a bar and one after the other put their penis in a crocodiles mouth and hit on the head.
Then an old ugly lady comes in and said; Ican do that to but don't hit so hard please......

lmao

And requisite joke:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?












Because he was dead.

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with the most beautiful, perfect
breasts. He says to her "Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
100 dollars?

"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks
again.

"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "OK, would
you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? OK, just
once, but not here. Let's go to that alley over there"

So they went to the alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most
beautiful breasts he'd ever seen. Immediately he leaps at them and starts
caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in
them.........but not biting.

Finally the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or
what?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

posters of this forum would do well to go read #4 of the Board Rules list. The content here... though jokes... is stretching that rule a bit to far I do believe....

Do to that... I might have to do something about this.

thnx for handling our goof up cleo

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter... You gotta love a man
like this!!!!!

Humor in the face of defeat.


A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received
a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had
slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up
with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went
around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women
he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with
clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and
send the rest back."

President George W. Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a
> pressing emergency;
> "Our largest condom factory has exploded," Bush cried. "My people's
> favorite source of birth control is in jeopardy! This is a disaster!"
>
> "George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der
> power
> to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
>
> "I need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000
> condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
>
> "Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.
>
> "Oh, and one small favor, please?" said President George W."
>
> "Oui?" replied Jean.
>
> "Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches
long,
> with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush.
>
> "No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that Chretien
hung
> up
> and called the President of
> Trojan condoms.
>
> "I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, and
> sen'dem to Hamerica."
>
> "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
>
> "Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge, blanc et bleu in
> colour,
> hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter."
>
> "That's easily done Jean. Anything else?"
>
> "Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem
>
> "MADE IN CANADA, size: SMALL"

LOL JB strikes again


You make me smile

CALLING IN SICK

Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

Hey.
I have that too.

HAHAHA Keep the jokes coming!