The good, the bad and the ugly, (mostly) shit media round up - MI:3 etcs

[slutboy fame]

The good
Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room
Interesting, if incredibly cliché-ridden, documentary about why Bush is a moron. The Wall-street nobbers recording their thoughts about "screwing Grandma" via the media of capitalism ranks as one of the cleverest bits of self-pwnage in recent memory. Most of it will leave you pretty speechless at the fucking outrageous audacity of the financial fraud.
Transamerica
Quite touching nobbery about some chick with a dick. The Desperate Housewife utterly convinces as a tranny, and the acting is pretty wicked throughout.
Grizzly Man
Better than expected thing about some wiggy, homo tree-hugger, whose bullshit about being one with nature etcs takes a nasty twist. Very thought-provoking, in a "I wonder if all them rangers fed him to the bears to see if they're hungry enough to munch the rug off his head?" conspiracy theory kinda way.
The bad
Mission Impossible III
The action is pretty good, but it is so utterly pointless - like most films involving the bent, midget fucker. The eye-rolling techno-porn includes a "Vascular confirmation ID" and Tom shooting down a jet fighter with a shotgun, or some such bullshit. The final mission, where Tom jumps off a rooftop and slides down an incline, in a faux Jackie Chan style, is also very shit. But there are quite a few explosions.
Aeon Flux
Charlize looks well cool in a more catwalk version of The Matrix. It's just your basic, shit (but not quite as shit as the reviews say) remake of that big-ass Keanu film.
Underworld Evolution
Another dumbass Yank film, starring Kate Beckinsale who looks almost as cool as Charlize does. Ludicrous plot, but the bloodthirsty action and campness make it almost alright, unlike that other fucking stupid film she was in that had Dracula fighting Werewolves.
The ugly
The Ringer
Really shit "comedy" which some mong pretends to be a mong but can't fool actual mongs, in an effort to fix the Special Olympics. Brian Cox is pretty good as the overblown uncle. The rest of it is a bit like Dodgeball, except without the dodging or the balls or the humour or any point. Johhny Knoxville is as wooden and shit as even Keanu Reeves. It's a bit like a really lame, Yank version of "The Idiots".
Brokeback Mountain
Better than expected tearjerker about a couple of bent cowboys. Very slow beginning, and overlong.

[slutboy fame]

Poseidon
CGI fest that's better than Titanic, anyway. The CGI is fucking twat and borked - everything looks like it's been done in fucking 3D Studio Max, including the ultra massive, shiny forehead of some heroic fucker called Max Dillon or something. Richard Dreyfuss plays a gay, suicidal cokehead Santa who's depressed because his tiny pet dog couldn't make the trip, and hasn't sent him any emails. Or something. The fucking dialogue "Since man first emerged from these salty depths.. POE-SI-DON made his home in a coral of gems!", "something's not quite right... it's too quiet", "star a hardboard... turn.. TURN!" etcs is equally as touching. It's another one of them appalingly, eye-wettingly, hysterically bad movies where you want everyone to go down the plughole, especially the writers and director. Filling in the blanks is as wicked as you expect: "We're not sure exactly what happened here, but our best guess is that we were struck by what is known scientifically as a big ass, motherfucking ROGUE wave! They're rare and unpredictable but some bullshit GPS means we're totally safe in this air bubble! Except from drowning! And being electrocuted! And burned!". A supreme, colossal wank-rally, especially the pathetic splosh as the ship finally goes under.
Match Point
Fucking well strange Woody Allen thing that isn't like Woody Allen. Weird and predictably unpredictable, where some oirish Hollyoaks dude who was in Bend It Like Beckham decides to marry some woman for no reason - other than he likes the idea of being silver spoon'd and watching Violetta die regularly - and then all kinds of weird, logical things happen. It's long and slow and tense and stupid and exciting. But it sort of works as a piece of drama, and will annoy the fuck out of you if you can stick with it. Not least because everyone (including the oirish tennis bloke and Brian Cox) try to outdo each other in sounding like Hugh Grant's stereotypical twin brother. The infuriating wife, Emily Mortimer, well deserves to go down in a hail of bullets, in all honesty. It doesn't make any rational sense, but is neat and brutal enough to make a kind of perfect, tortutous sense. Happy, happy ending - it's kind of a little bit like Caché meets Ferrero Rocher meets Four Weddings meets Camus. That also doesn't make any sense, but it sort of makes perfect, illogical sense of it. Comes close to being brilliant in a few scenes. And is utter turd in every scene with James Nesbitt in it.
Jarhead
Existenstialist war movie. Not at all bad, kind of like Three Kings except without the pace or action or stupid plot elements.

[slutboy fame]

See No Evil
Preposterous teen slasher film that's equal parts Friday 13th and Hostel. Some kids get shipped off to repair some hotel as part of their community service etcs. They get offed in some occasionally nonsensical ways, but the set up means it's a pretty predictable a-z of shocks. Thing is, the main psycho looks far too cuddly to be some weirdo with flies in his head, he looks more like the kind of weirdo who'd be more at home on UFC. Generally passes the time in a pretty generic way, but the dude offing people with a butcher's hook thing was alright.
The Da Vinci Code
Fucking shite.

[Arse Flute]

I'm waiting for someone to review the Da Vinci code in here. I want a full autopsy.

I haven't read it but apparently you have to read all the Harry Potter books first to understand it.

[slutboy fame]

The Da Vinci Code
Oh, sorry. I'm fucking wrecked, but I'll do my best to make a decent go of it. It's basically a generic pseudo-political thriller, except involving mad, self-flaggellating albino monks, the Catholic church as Nazis, weird French birds who are cryptologists and Ian McKellen rasping his way through as an upper-crust braggadocio. It sounds like it's the fucking bombz, eh? It's fucking terrible. It has maybe two bits of action, and the interminable plot drags on to the point of utter, paint-drying tedium for two and a half fucking hours or something. The whole idea of the Holy Grail actually being the living descendants of Christ is quite interesting, but the way it's carried off is stultifying in the extreme. It consists of the fucking smug Tom Hanks gurning his sorry way through a whole series of impossibly cryptic puzzles (aka simple anagrams / admiring various tourist locations) and Audrey Tatou *spoiler* being the proven son of Christ because she knows shiatsu. Professor Hanks even says "whoah!" in a Bill and Ted way at one point, I shit you not. It's basically National Treasure, except minus the exciting action bits. And that was shit.
United 93
Pretty decent drama about September 11th. Manages to be tense and atmospheric, despite you knowing exactly what will happen to everybody. Irritations include every character giving a checklist of things they'll never do - hopes and dreams, check; number of kids, check; marital status, check. Also, the dumbass military commanders keep demanding of each other - "repeat, this is real, not a simulation". Is at least not unsympathetic towards the Muslims, with the contrast between the terrorsist's reluctance carry out their mission and the passengers similar reluctance to carry out theirs showing that there isn't a great difference between the west and the east. A bit too long, but after the fucking Da Vinci Code it flies by.
X-Men 3: The Last Stand
Not terrible. It has far too many mutants and is spread too thin for you to care about any of them. Most of the surprises consist of killing yet another one of them off/or resurrecting them. The action's pretty good, and it's loads better than the similarly brainless Mission Impossible 3/The Da Vinci Code.

[leslie anus]

Everything that's on at the flicks is shite, it seems. The printworks yesterday: the only film that wasn't the da-vinci code was some terrible animation with animals in it, like you do. Oh and the x-men, but I wasn't allowed to watch that because I was with a lady. (stupid girls)

So I watched 'the wild'. It was cack and they forgot how to finish it so they just ripped off the lion king.

[TheAyatollahC]

I watched that Transamerica last night. It was ace. Even the missus sat up til 2.30 watching it, and she normally falls asleep after 10 mins of anything.

[slutboy fame]

Banlieue 13
Has about ten minutes of half-decent action, where le freedom de parkour (running about in toss fashion in industrial estates) is held up as le wicked bombz. It's alright in a tossy French way, but is about five years too late to ride the wave of Guy Richie gangsta shiteness that it imitates.
36
Kind of like a French version of Heat, except with loads more wonky-faced French actors and shit. It gets a bit much, with the overacting being slightly annoying after a while. But Depardieu is nicely restrained as the evil Vik Mackie cop typiqué.
the only film that wasn't the da-vinci code was some terrible animation with animals in it, like you do
Over The Hedge was alright, so far as I was concerned. It wasn't exactly The Incredibles, but it had a anti-commercial cynicism that wasn't out of place in the context of furry creature, Disney-like anims.

[leslie anus]

I was talking about "the wild" which you've avoided, like a smart punter. Over the hedge looked entertaining, from the trailer.

[slutboy fame]

It's pretty good, but Willis is in "come around, have a few laughs" mode from Die Hard throughout, which gets annoying. I thought (which seems even more stupid than usual for me, in retrospect) that some lady had invited you to a two-hour cartoon marathon, and you'd tried to steer her away from it at half-time. Over The Hedge was the only other cartoon animal thing that I could think of. At least it has the advantage of being only an hour and a bit, also.

[slutboy fame]

The Omen
Slightly lazy and overlong version of satan's spawn not being one of Crump's kids, and thereby refuting what little evidence we have about unoriginal sin. This drags on a bit, seemingly over concerned with explaining that some kid who plays videogames and stares moodily at his pet Alsatian is satanic, and allowing the characters to uncover this shockingly obvious, previously revealed truth for themselves at length. The fact that satan is quite so clumsy, merely offing a load of slightly annoying peeps is a waste. The kid also remains a mere tableau, his only voiced opinion is a series of screams whenever the parents try to take him near any catholic priests, which is a sensible reaction as well as being a real missed opportunity. If they'd have had him manipulating his way through a series of psychologists, Silence Of The Lambs style, or had him corrupt his parents and friends and such, it would've been quite interesting. As it is, it's a bit shit - but ten times better than Da Vinci. The death of the journalist was way unexpected and way kewl, so it's not a total loss.
Why We Fight
Alright BBC thing about why the war in Iraq was about showcasing the latest military shit to some old fossils in the Yank setup, and was unconnected to fossil fuel. The right-wing cop getting shirty with the exposed Bush was pretty good, also.
Doom
Better-than-expected shlock fest that manages to have a surprising fascistic twist to one of the mom's apple pie characters. But is still a bit turd.

[slutboy fame]

An Incovenient Truth
Al Gore spoils what could've been a decent shocker about global warming by using cold, hard facts instead of wanton scaremongering about a new ice age. It's basically an annoying lecture.
The Hills Have Eyes
Pretty wicked - kind of like a more dumbass, incredibly camp version of Wolf Creek, although it's spoiled by the rubbish ending, which assumes that you haven't had the full quota of axe through face mayhem already. For the most part, you get a decent bunch of sympathetic Yanks and you care about them getting offed by various purple-faced radiation dudes. The prosthetics for the toothy guy are really awesome, though. It's a pity that they used something so passé as "nuclear radiation" to explain the freaks, rather than al-Queda bio-weapons or some such more convincing bullshit. More Resident Evil 4 than Silent Hill.
Secuestro Express
Pretty cool thriller about a couple of stereotypes who get kidnapped by another bunch of stereotypes and have to survive until they get rescued, somewhere in Venezuela. It throws in drugs to the mix, which makes it far more tense, as the attractive, hispanic one off Alias has to fend off coked up black guys and (more shockingly) poetic, beard-stroking romantics while on E. The degradation she endures when confronted by her homo boyfriend's antics is nicely observed - especially the genuine shock on the faces of the hardened crims when faced with the appalling sight of brown love. All in all, it's a pretty neat, claustrophobic short-story type of thing, even though it has too much annoying student slowmo, for little to no reason. It would've let the story flow better to have kept the transitions less intrusive.
Cars
Pushes all the traditional emotional buttons, like every other Disney film since the wartime "Nazi Supermen Are Our Saviours". The animation and CGI is great and it still remains quite exciting, despite being just digital bits. The voice acting is also ace, it's a shame that the plot is so standard and syrupily sentimental. Basically, not as good as Over The Hedge, although the themes are quite similar.

[TheAyatollahC]

80% of the crap I now watch is downloaded after reading this topic.

[slutboy fame]

The thought of corrupting you with crap that I watch (like Cars) is too much to take in. At least it makes a break from them fucking Dutch GameFAQs tossers who got me warned, presumably in a Sash-sympathy vote.

[slutboy fame]

Nacho Libre
Quite funny and quite feelgood and quite engaging, despite it being about fat, sweaty wrestlers. Jack Black is a triumph as the wannabe hispanic dude - almost his every expression, every overblown, overdramatic hand gesture and every reference to "stretchy pants" will either strike you as hilarious or leave you cold, a lá Napolean Dynamite. It's still funny when concentrating on the slapstick pratfalls and the like - and only a couple of the talking head bits fall a bit flat. It made me giggle infectiously almost throughout, but is still an acquired taste.
Haunted Boat
Was expecting a Scary Movie / "Ghost Dinghy" parody of Poseidon or something. Turns out it's a series of shite, shaggy-dog ghost stories directed and acted with a porn aesthetic on Ellen McArthur's tiny yacht. It isn't even as good as that sounds. Turd.
Reeker
Really turd slasher flick that has the most rubbish special effect for the main stalker thing, like, ever. It's basically a heat haze effect. It's probably more terrifying than it seems to have to deal with a bad smell that follows you around.
Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift
Utterly fucking turd rice-boy porn with some Yank from the deep south hy-ucking his irritating way through a load of Ridge Racer style shite races. Avoid.
Find Me Guilty
Slightly shit and disappointing courtroom drama with Vin Diesel trying to look fat, and like he can act. He doesn't, but succeeds in being an annoying, bolshy twat, who scares the shit out of the hardened gangsters who shoot him, by telling them he loves them "like a brother". Presumably, this infectious charm is what wins over the difficult jury by use of a combination of sentimental tosh about honour, and homespun bullshit gangster homilies about "family".