The good, the bad and the ugly, (mostly) shit media round up - MI:3 etcs

[slutboy fame]

Martyrs
Beautiful, arresting and poignant. Not three words usually associated with that sad phrase "torture porn". This isn't, really. It's more like a hyper-drama with more shocking than usual bits added on, and is difficult (almost impossibly stomach-churning) to watch in light of the Fritzl thang. The main story concentrates on some kidnapped girl who is Eli Rothed as a kid and who escapes to an orphanage. It basically follows her life from there, gradually peeling back the layers and such, and has loads of genuine surprising things happen. It isn't quite as sick-making as everybody makes out - but it fucking gave me the psychological willies and no mistake. It's a bit too serious to be a classed as a straight horror movie - there aren't too many lulz - but the best thing about it is a toss up between it providing a very bizarre why while pulling the rug from any closure, or the scientific, experimental rat-in-a-science-maze subtext; as well as the endlessly-pored-over-by-everyone text, which is kewl. Both are pretty much absent from most genre flicks. It's weird and off the beaten track, and you think that it will settle down and have some normal shiz finally happen in it at some point, but it keeps piling on loads of increasingly strange layers on to everything. The most horrific moment? Difficult to say. Probably realising how old the emo toss kid must've been when he is inducted by mom and pop into the glorious Martyr programme. Or when one girl says sorry to another. It made me cry. To say that this is better than Hostel is like saying that Christmas is better than getting shit flung at you by monkeys. You get the feeling that the director or author are vegetarians, though.
Role Models
Actually quite amusing (amazingly) yank comedy that is sometimes alright and shit. Not exactly something that has any substance, but passes the time amusingly enough. Also, that troll kid is well kewl, and is responsible for about 100% of the lulz.
Outlander
Fairly pointless toss that does not do much, but with lots of swords and shit. And it doesn't have Ahnold in it. Pride and Predator will hopefully be better than this, but at least Jim Caveizel is very pretty. It also has John Hurt in it! How they managed to persuade him must've involved lots of hookers, coke and playing Lord Of The Rings on endless loop. Oh, and it's well long and doesn't really go anywhere except into the obvious. You only see actor eyes rolling at the atrocious lines once, which must be down to the editor's skill or something. It's about the time when they get to Super Mario Shields that you realise how difficult a job that must have been.

[slutboy fame]

Monsters v Aliens
Slightly balls action CGI about Sigorney Weaver attacking motherships while mother-fucking mother aliens using bitches. It's not especially as good as that. What it is, is a load of good 3D CGI OMG ROFL that does comedy using slapstick, and does no comedy whatsoever using words. It's prolly all them banjo-twanging USA kids that are retarded by not having any books and shit that are to blame. That, or Disney. Or Dreamworks. Or whatever the fuck studio does this shite nowadays. It has a couple of decent scenes, but that is far too little in the dredgyness of the two hour expositional mongfest that is this. They take about an hour to explain why the simplistic monsters have been held captive by Stephen Cole-bear. If they were such good, kickass monsters, why would fucking Cole-bear stop them fuckers? Anyway, that's prolly irrelevant. The main problem is that it wants to be comedic. And yet, all of the "jokes" fall flat. I cannot remember a single line from the fucking film that was funny. The "blob" character getting run over and still being (hilariously!) alive was "amusing". And that is it. Kids will prolly go meh (apeshit) for it, because it's all shiny, and they've forgotten The Incredibles, which did this shit five times better, smarter and funnier. And didn't have a bullshit, Indy aliens fridge ending.
X-MenO: Wolverine
The X-Men mean nothing to me. It's just Heroes except with a greater number of bald fuckers. This thing is not quite like that. It's just The Incredible Hulk, except with a greater number of bald fuckers. It's still depressingly average, and seems to exist merely to name check a bunch of characters that I'm not familiar with, or particularly interested in. The characterisation of broad, military mongs was done about a billion times better in the (mostly braindead) Predator, and at times this comes off as a lukewarm facsimile. Mainly in the spastic chopper sequences. Or that bit in the barn where the protagonist rapes a motorcycle, old lady and a bullock. The dialogue exists merely for characters to gargle with douche sayings about "yo momma" and such, seemingly to give them an aura of machismo that is lacking from the action. This action consists of the protagonist slicing through a variety of tin-foil doors, roflcopters, tampons and such, and very little else. Oh, theres a fight with some laser Matrix Neo (thankfully mute) on top of a power station chimney. Which is a bit fucking shit. The plot is obvious almost from the first frame, and you can count (pretty much to the beat) when various predictable "surprises omg" happen. It was made by the lowest common denominator, for the lowest common denominator. Hopefully FOX will lose all the money they plan on giving Michael Bay for whatever fucking shit he's got planned. It looks very much like they stuck to his template with this wank.
Breaking Bad
Fucking watch it you lazy cunts! It's wicked...

[leslie anus]

I finally got around to watching Quantum of Solace recently (not that I tried to track it down - it was the only non-girly film playing on hotel tv) and everything you said about it is spot on. It's completely fucking boring shite, and the wobblicam bourne-ness just made me wish I was watching that instead. I simply cannot imagine a duller scenario or baddie than the one presented: they need to put the camp back into Bond. If I wanted realistic villainy I would watch the news. Oh, and Craig David or whatevers has too many wrinkles; his face resembles a scrunched up chip-wrapper, or worse, Gordon Ramseys'.

Maddox slated it too
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c....ntum_of_phallus

[slutboy fame]

Yeah, Bond needs to get much more gay and much less corporate, shiny-interface designed balls.
Dead Snow
Rubbish acting, poorly-drawn characters and godawful euro-kraut-rawk. But it's still pretty fucking funny. It has zombie nazis in it, and some yodelling morons for them to chomp on. There's not really a lot more to say, without spoiling all the disturbingly shlock bullshit. But it's fun and flies by, although the setup is a bit longwinded. Once they drop the abortive kraut-rawk, it picks up and goes hilariously thick and self-consciously funny and shit. Oh, and it's subtitled, because it's Nor-fucking-Wegian or something.
Star Trek
It's lots more annoying than anyone will ever lead you to believe, and is very white-bread, corn-fed and banjo-twanging. The main antagonist uses the interstellar threat of a fucking anime hair spaceship to attack various randoms, including House, Cameron and most likely Kumar, for reasons unexplained. Before using time-travel to cover up his fiendish hair-gelled fiendery. Apparently, this time-travel rests on the application of "red juice" (not making this shit up) to space, or something. This red shiz can also be used as a weapon of mass stupidity and will cause anyone who gets within touching distance to overact wildly, flounder around jokily and beast Ewoks up the fur-chute. It's prolly just a interstellar bloody mary, or something. And isn't even the most jarring comic relief - "you've got red on you" was expected - and remained unsatisfyingly undelivered. Shaun Of The Pegg was prolly the most irritating of the broad, overacting spakkers, doing his widow Twankey bullshit far harder than the guy who keeps saying "wellocity is fwailink kept-hain" and bullshit like that. The film still manages to be quite effective and action packed, and the CGI is pretty decent; but mainly when the rubbish black hole effects aren't being swirled around with all the drama of a coffee advert, and shit. Abrams' direction is also irksome, and he constantly shifts between extreme close up of pores and jarring cut-aways to gigantic, empty space fog. Which usually explodes, or some shit.

There needed to be a space bus that couldn't go below 60mph without exploding, for it to ring more thick and actual funny, but sadly that doesn't ever happen. Anyway, it's all quite nauseatingly feel-good, and this extends to the stupid, pointy-eared antagonist, who reminds me of Craig Charles, for some reason. His purpose is to destroy (with Austin Powers like efficiency) some other pointy-eared mong. Slowly. At one point, this fiendish plan is overtaken by a glacier (not making that shit up, either). Anyway, the plot all felt like padding between various action set-pieces, but these were mostly enjoyable and eye-popping. The acting is universally rubbish and unconvincing. Except for Sylar, who is convincingly wooden. Despite all of the characters having zero relevance to me, it was still gung-ho enough to be like a decent version of Goldmember, in parts. Anyway, it's loads better than that fucking lukewarm abomination Wolverine, so watch this instead. Especially if you have a fucking clue what any of this shit is even about. I still don't know how you can have a federation of planets.
Observe And Report Paul Blartt's Fat Ass
Seriously avoid the fuck out of anything that promotes these traffic wardens into "comedy heroes". OAR is the most sterile comedy ever, what with the hilarity of rape and doughnuts and the mouthbreathingly unfunny Rogan as the comedy centrepieces. Ugh.

[leslie anus]

On Observe and Report:

"Jody Hill has described his initial inspiration for this film as wanting to do a comedic version of Taxi Driver"

GREAT IDEA, DIPSHIT

[Replenish]

Arg cheers for the linkage sluts!

[slutboy fame]

Anvil
Fucking awesome doc about the Brian Jonestown of metal. It's also fucking funny when the recognisable, inevitable, hysterical cat-fights develop; between sluts who perform for paying punters, subsequently getting fucked by their Gelmet pimp. "I threw all my fucking drugs away, too, and there was no chance they were going to set police dogs on us" etcs. It would spoil it to reveal anything really, but the fact that they're not playing Glastonbury every year is fucking insane, they'd bring the place down. But you can prolly say the same about Spinal Tap, who seem like a far less preposterous proposition than these mentals. I bought all their albums twice, and I don't even like metal. I just hope they can pay their relatives back by now. Slash appears and actually seems like twice the fucking douchebag, next to these dudes, something you'd think would be inconceivable using just your brain.
Sperminator: Towelvation
Jesus wept, where do you start with this shit? There's diminishing fucking returns in Terminator sequels, all right. I was expecting something moderately gay. But this goes the full Elton with chocolate ball-licking plus Brokeback Balemound. It's liek fucking Transformers, except set entirely in the desert, and not even an interesting desert with fucking camels and shit in it. And not only because it actually has transformer-sized robots in it, transforming into bikes and gay lasers and houses and shit. The McGorm directing this shit has obviously watched some of the source material at some point (the bits where the robots have red eyes) but has no understanding of it. At least 90% of the scenes made me want to stab actors through their faces. Or their Terminator dicks. You expect at minimum a decent war between man and machine, and potentially some insight into technophobia and all that cack as an afterthought. What you get is someone running away from explosions, shooting their girlfriend in the arse to impress robots and all that balls, which you can see in any car-park on any given Saturday. And lots more fucking pointless explosions. Most of the actors are robots, anyway, so maybe I should cut them some slack. But it's difficult to cut any slack to fucking McNulty off Teh fucking Wire, who is playing a sympathetic "mongaloid" (teh obvious spoilers are actually in the first scene, when McNulty gives his body to science). At least one good thing came out of it - the "Bale out". You sort of understand where and why he's coming from when you witness this fucking amateurish, light-trashing, throbbing robo-spaz. For some reason, it also reminded me of the fucking Matrix, except instead of (interesting) Matrix-shiz, there was (boring) robo-transformer-shiz. And the same, dullarse portentous bullshit overtones, leading nowhere fast. And the first-person fx are red and glowy, instead of being green and glowy. If you've ever played a brown shooter, then you know exactly what to expect from the rest of the art style. It actually made me quite ill, for the first time since watching an M Shight film. Thank fuck there'll not be another Batman film, probably. Bateman doing his batvoice through the three scenes he's in, in this one, was enough Bat-spaz for me. Oh, and the lighting was fucking unprofessional.
12 Rounds
It has a wrestler in it.

[slutboy fame]

Up
Lovely, slushy sentimental thing about an old bloke who drips with mothballs, the spirit of adventure and stale urine; and who decides to attach balloons to his house for shits and giggles. It's quite surprising that (for a comedy) you spend most of your time stifling manly tears. They go the full Bambi in under ten minutes. It's kinda like kiddie Bergman afterwards with the existentialist silence of the main dude, or something. It's a shame that it all goes a bit Dodo egg hunting with Matt Damon when they run out of plot, because the journey and set-up was always more interesting than the destination. Which is Mexico. But it's all quite Wall-e and works better than you expect, especially the economy of the similarly wordless falling-in-love thing between the square-faced protagonist and his Eva. A shame that this only lasts ten minutes. The other good thing is the understandable and inspirational baddie, who just wants to bring back a live dodo to civilisation, or something heinous like that. It goes a bit liberal overkill on his ass, and you end up feeling sorry for the dude. Especially since he also invented something cool enough to outsell the iPod, and more functional, also. Actually, you start to feel really irked by the square-headed mong by the end of the film!
The Hangover
Quite tepid comedy about "what happens in Vegas stays on CSI and Youtube forever" that has one good character (the bearded Alan) who says shit like "Err.. I'm not allowed within 200 yards of a school" and makes it mildly amusing, as many as three times. It's a line you've always wanted to use on your inlaws, and just never have the chance to. The rest of it is potently unfunny, with Mike Tyson drawling like a mong and singing being the other lulz. The rest is just smug fuckwads droning on about the excitement that they got up to last night. This excitement is never shown. Poring over the "hilarious" wreckage doesn't make for even as much fun as that sounds. It's all pretty much just going to various Vegas hotspots and interviewing strippers and doctors about proctology and shit.
Drag Me To Hell
Saucepan-wrattling silly gypsy racist balls about fairies invading your garden, house and face or some shit. Has some decent jumps and spooks in it for a while, but Spiderman has a lot to answer for, what with sucking the goodness out of the guy who did Evil Dead and squirting his brain out into the cobweb-laced director of Barbie Gets Hexed. Barbie literally does get hexed. And at one point Barbie pawns her ice-skates (not making that shit up) to pay Siavash from Big Brother to anti-decontaminate-hex her, or something. He's from an ethnic minority, so would know all about that hocus-pocus shite. And then Barbie drops an anvil on some dead gypsy ghoul (also not making that up). And buys a brand new pastel Barbie coat (also ditto). It's a shame that they played it for these lulz deliberately, rather than accidentally, because that would've been funnier, rather than open-mouthed awful. And it wouldn't have removed you some distance away from any tension and shit, with all the eye-rolling omgness of it. The ending is just shit, also. Mainly because it has a good funeral in it, it's slightly better than Scream... Probably.

[slutboy fame]

In The Loop
Fucking fantastic comedy (from the dudes who did The Thick Of It) about politcal differences between the UK & USA that had me alternately giggling out loud and cringeing using Gervais dancing. When the worst thing about something is Steve Coogan shouting hilariously at his mum not to get near a collapsing wall, then you're guaranteed to spurt stuff out your nose at least five times. Most of this is down to Malcolm ("built him in a lab outta bits of old psychopaths") Tucker and his brilliant swearing and (un)pop culture references "there's only two people in the White Stripes, 'climb the mountain of conflict'? You sound like the Nazi Julie Andrews" etcs.
Pantstrauma 2: Rebaytion Of The Master
Fuck no. Another week, another fuckload more boring fucking robots doing robosexual shit to fucking explosions. While soldiers salute each other's cocks in slow-fucking-motion. Yeah, you've seen it all before. The CGI is still wicked. But dredging your mind through these infinite depths is an evermore fucking struggle. In this one, Shia La Douche goes to college ten years late, which adds a realistic, held-back-for-a-decade touch to the education of his muppet-haired intellect. I don't understand how Master Baytion could fuck up two films about gigantic robots threatening to destroy the US of A. But he manages it. And it is impressive. Like him wanking off the military for the entire (fucking 2½ hrs lengthy) entirety is. This, like the first, should've been released as a youtube CGI spaz, if only so the Bay master would fuck this shit off of the big screen, instead of encouraging him to add more faeces to people's faces. In public. And get away with it. This film may have the most explosions of any film ever released onto the faces of unsuspecting audiences, even including Sperminator Abomination. It isn't something they should advertise on posters, because it makes everything fucking incoherent and uber pointless and shite. More so. The camera is always moving, seemingly to fool your brain into thinking that something of note is happening. I was bored listless watching the camera endlessly, endlessly, endlessly rotate around various monuments, robots and explosions. That's all there is in this fucking nightmare. The only time the camera stops moving is to capture a charming reaction shot off some ethnic geezer, in case anyone accused Master Baytion of being a racist. He's actually a fucking slack-jawed, banjo-twanging, squeal-piggy, fascist, racist, cum-pumping fuckwad.

In the end, all the toilet-bowl action amounts to is something you didn't care about (a penguin, an oily tent for example) transforming into something else you didn't care about (a gigantic rollerskate, bowling ball) and then causing explosions. You blink, open-mouthed at the shitness. And you end up inventing mimic-spaz dialogue that helps you pass the (atrocious, tedious, terminal) time: ("donut, ah repeaht donut pass condishun goat, donut colleck two huhnred dollahss sold yah!", "deltah two-zero-niner-sixer scramble oblivion kappa-delta-sigma pie ovah!", "pantyhose on the hupcake, ice tham bogies on mah mark, sixer-oner") while camoflaged twats from COD do endless COD grouping shit outside bland COD buildings. Which then explode. Into yet more fucking (DOA, USA, FBI) anacronystic acronyms. This is pathetic, dismissive, condescending film-making, and witless from first shot (some old Chinese guy's reaction take) to last (gay military, salutes flags). Actually much of the middle is gay military salutes, towards flags. Sometimes in fucking slowmo. While rotating around flags and/or space boulders and whatever white, military, erect cock is nearest. This is actually worse than the Terminator Abomination, because Abomination has some tenuous link to decades-old credibility, that it pisses away. This has shit. Which it pisses away. Through its own sphincter-penis-transforming Bay cunt face. Avoid this eyeball contamination like you would an Amy Whinehorse sex tape. It offends me that anybody would dare give this catastrophe one red penny.
The Hurt Locker
Actually pretty great drama that is tense and ugly and shit. And is about bomb disposal in Iraq. That has robots. And sweating. And no CGI. And doesn't salute any erect military cocks using flag-waving bullshit. Prolly because it's from a woman who can actually direct and has two focusing eyes and isn't a royal cuntbadger and shit. It seems a bit rubbish when they have some kid Beckhom up the place using sentimentality, though. For as long as a few minutes. And it's actually a bit rubbish when it all goes a bit Collateral at night at the end. But only a bit. The main drama and characters are more than realistic and well-drawn enough, and you wish they'd stuck with the routine, teeth-chattering routine. Which is eye-poppingly messy and boss and the bomb procedurals feel authentic and real.

[leslie anus]

I watched Martyrs, finally, and after marvelling at the gore and the psychological turmoil and lovely camera work, I couldn't help feeling a little unsatisfied. I know we're not supposed to comprehend the nutcase cult seeking enlightenment; their end doesn't seem to justify their horrific means. If we did understand it might seem to validate and lessen the tragedy, but by the time the plucky lass was broken down and flayed alive I was no longer shocked by the spectacle. I can't decide whether the film had subtly worked its magic on me, subverting my emotions and turning my grimaces into a blank mask (like the martyrs), or whether I had simply stopped caring.

The bit where cockroach-girl sheds her headgear and part of her scalp was amazin' tho.

I'm in the mood for a more traditional horror now - I've got phantasm sitting here, but fear it will be largely shit.

[slutboy fame]

Yeah, phantasm has always seemed like a load of old literal balls. I watched some old horror called Hellraiser the other day (they just released it in hidef) and that was really kewl. And I'm going through all them old Italian giallo (Fulci et al) flicks, to see what all the fuss is about. I've got so much fucking shit to catch up on, though, la.

As far as Martyrs goes, it left me in a whirl of ideas about what it was about, which is unusual. I suppose it's supposed to be anticlimactic. The simple revenge comes before the explanation, after all. I'm certainly not buying stuff tested on animals anymore. I think that the director had more of a class issue going on, though, and it feels like you're supposed to despise the smugness of old supremacists of the martyrdom program more than their opaque ideas.

[leslie anus]

Aye, Phantasm was pyar shite. Literally nothing is explained before the end of the film, but I had turned it off and gone to sleep by then.

In Bruges, though. What a top film! I was in stitches the entire way through, although it was also remarkably sensitive at times, and Colin Farrell did a great job with his character. Which must surely be a first for him.

The new potter flick: pretty decent. I've read the book only once, and so if many important moments had been cut short or omitted entirely, I did not notice. The first thing of note is the incredible cinematography and special effects, which, coupled with the swooping soundtrack, left a really vivid impression. There are lots of romantic cuddly-wuddly bits, where the director seems to be trying to downplay the grand air of oppressiveness which hangs over everything (it is quite a dark film at times, literally and figuratively) but they are often genuinely funny and touching. Many "serious" Potter fans feel this film to be a bit of a wasted opportunity, but I think it was a lot of fun - exactly what one would expect from a kiddies fairytale, surely?

[slutboy fame]

Il Divo
Fucking exciting in ways that will make you gobble sperm off your own cock. It presents political satire as an action movie, and some of that spunk should be gobbled down by hack motherfucking scumbag idiots like Michael Baytion. It's not half as good as the last thing he did about mafiosi (L'Amico De Famiglia) but is still quite cool.
Boringarse Basterds
Fuck, Tarantino is shit. This is boring in a tragic, wasteful way. It concerns some stupid bunch of Dirty Dozen types who decide to kill Nazis by parachuting into France; so they can scorn their mothers and beat them up, one-by-one, instead of using bombs and shit. The first ten minutes are the only half-acceptable, tense thing in this shite. The rest is cock-bitingly retarded to fuck. What is as excruciating as the (sometimes literally) banjo-twanging muzak that Tarantino uses as a score, is the inert, static camera and the achingly drawn-out exposition. This is right up there with Watchmen on the slowtard-o-meter, as you are forced to witness Gelmets play the fucking Rizla (skins) game not once, but fucking twice. And eat motherfucking strudel. And watch motherfucking Chaplin films. You can only assume, like the absurd, lock-in, Scarface denouement, that this is supposed to be poignant and ironic. It just looks like someone wanking off into your face, onscreen. Except without any porn. It's just melodramatic talky diarrhoea almost all the way through. That comes off as 'Allo 'Allo, except with more baguettes. When they play that ludicrous piece of muzak that seemingly infests every Tarantino flick, you start giggling at the nihilistic, self-abusing wankery. A few people gave that French bloke off The Matrix some respect. He just looks like a fish out of water in this stagey, eye-glazing toss.
District 9
Movies on demanded. Eventually. And far too briefly. It's nice. And is like Half-Life 2, except with slightly worse CGI. But is less annoying and more playable than that overrated toss. It has some Sout' hf Afreek-han dude who makes the silly exposition toss he says into funny nonsense by virtue of his accent and moustache. It's too easy to spoil, but it just has aliens drop, face-first onto Johannesburg, instead of New York. It's all a bit ironic and Starship Troopers, except without the budget. Enjoyably frenetic and shit. Except not shit. Good, and prolly the only decent "big budget" film of 2009. Pisses on Avatard et al from a great height.

[slutboy fame]

Sherlock Holmes And The Neverending Chemistry
Not the onscreen sort, although Downey Syndrome's eyes do threaten to point in at least as many directions as his wonky accent; so at least two-to-three bisexual bases are covered. The amazing chemistry resounds with an almighty bong, as Soup-her Sher-lock Figh-tar Thu-ree: Alph-har Ma-hull threatens to use more Matrix-slowgay-spaz than even the motherfucking Matrix ever did. He even says (does!) a load of Hadoken-ing at one fucking point. It's about this time you remember it's a Guy Richie production. And then the reason why all vah henchgoons and coppahs are tawking awl mockerney "beck-humz clay-har Whats-hun". Ditto why ev-e-ree sink-cole Sherl-hock syllable gets gut-wrenching received precisiononaltion from the year circa 1945. Most of the plot is just a chemistry lesson dressed up with the odd fist fight. It reminded me of an overlong episode of House, except with less drama and acting and detection, and all the mechanics borked. It's alright and perfunctory and moves from A-B, but it would've been a lot better if they'd redone Miss Marple. Except with the proper original racism and gangsta talk and bitch-slapping and merking and guns and laying down beats and all that shit that the author originally left out, but was thinking of doing if she'd had time. That would've probably required more imagination than Mr Madonna has, though. I dunno how the fuck they cast this shite, because there isn't one bastard in it who makes sense in their role. Anyway, it's ok. But my brain has prolly been borked by the fucking avalanche tragedy that was 2009.
Avatard
Annoying, spastic bluescreen toss made for the kind of cretin who thought Titanic was a bit too highbrow and significant. Just (hack) Cameron's fucking navel fluff, instead of the naval fluff of his last CGI circle-jerk. You're supposed to fucking gawp at exciting vegetation, now, because it's in shit 3D that cost £300m? Fuck off back to Phantom Menace. The action isn't half as exciting or realistic as fucking Gears Of War or fucking Crysis or even fucking Tetris, and the whole thing feels like watching someone play a Final Fantasy game, except the gargantuan, pointless numbers that pop up over blue-faced twats are now box office receipts. It still has all the overdone anime shite design that gets palms sweaty in nerdland, fortunately. Otherwise, quelle horreur, there would never be another one; something that makes you weep about the happy ending to his last yawning chasm of twatty CGI. There's little point doing a recap, except to say that it's Dances With Smurfs; except in a frenzied departure they've mixed the smurfs with endless vegetation that doesn't make sense biologically or cinematically. But there's a fucking lot of neon glowing banana spaz. And vegetables are about the deepest thing in this shallow, Titanic puddle of vacous exploso-turd. The film, however, is as long as my cock and not nearly half as interesting. Although your balls will probably be as blue as the Avatards are, after the fucking marathon non-event, that promised the earth. Anyway, Cameron's films have been on a downward, plughole spiral since the first Terminator. He's like a Michael Bay clone, nowadays. Ugh.
Paranormal Spacktivity
Quite depressingly Ghost Spook with Derek Accora boring balls that has all the scares of Casper The Friendly Ghost, minus Michael J Fox and his haunted Altzheimers brain. It's about as spooky as an episode of Neighbours, and has all the delightfully scary scares of an Australian beach. Just rubbish.