You spend 6 years harnessing the power of anti-gravity and what's your first application to benefit the world?

A floating bed.

But it doubles up as a dining table too, so that's ok.

Fuck me that's really shit. They could've made an anti-gravity car and called it a hovercraft or something, at least. Fucking Ikea twats.

the bed is a sleek black platform? modelled after an obelisk?

bollocks. It's a black mattress. And if you fall out of it you'll hurt yourself.

Unless you have metal fillings, in which case you're fucking stuck to your brand new bed for life. Or your teeth are.

You're all frickin eejits, it fuckin pwns.

It would be pretty wicked if it floated around and that, but it's locked in place by magnets. You might as well buy a super-expensive titanium stool or something, and use your imagination. It's about as decent an invention as that non mind-altering marijuana the Russian Plant Institute invented, for reasons unknown.

All I know is that if I spent £1,000,000 on a bed, it better be fucking comfortable. And that slab of marble not only looks distinctly uncomfortable, but harder to get on and off than a hammock.

So it's tethered in place by metal rods - meaning that when you dive on it and break your jaw, it doesn't even bob up and down like any good floaty item should. It may as well be a normal bed. You want the whole floor magnetised so you can surf the thing around the house or at least pull yourself over to the toilet in the morning.