I don't know if I'll be able to tell you guys how horrible it was to discover your own darkness.
I've decided to share this because today has been one of the biggest epiphany of a tale in my life. "Darkness" has been overused in OZ and I'd like everyone to see what it truly is from my own experience. I hope everyone to consider this for their characters and as a person.
You guys might remember my "anti-Pokefriend", my WoW/DotA friend who is the complete opposite of me. A guy, old, American (yes, that's opposite of Filipino), alien-believing, sports-loving, anime/manga-hating. Frequently, when we share our opinions, we clash. It had been building our friendship for the past three years, but it was also the tool that's been indulging me to break through this bond and just strangle him by the neck.
How do completely opposite friends became best friends? Through good and bad times. But when it's just the two of you, things are honestly rough. When we're not parading in World of Warcraft with flashy gears and explosions, or talking about family problems and our pasts, we talk about our hobbies and interests. His interest in mature topics such as religion, poverty, and racism clash with my interest in fanfiction, anime, and manga. Both of us write, but we rarely talk about it. Funny, isn't?
My life doesn't center on their leisure hobbies, nor dos his center on taboos. But what else can we talk about? We get sick of telling each other what happened for today. We pop in a topic, usually him linking me something to where I am forced to watch it in order to engage in the conversation. Our interests are already conflicting.
I didn't like to talk about these. I blurt jokes often times and act as goofy as I can. If he could see my face, he knew I was barely trying. I shake with a strong feeling that I knew would jeopardize our friendship if I let this feeling evident in my words. He supports the idea of an intelligent conversation, but even with a resolution free from angry words, I am left shaken and adamant.
Tonight, I told him I was not comfortable with our exchange of opinions. I told him he did not understand what I had in mind. I told him this while comparing him to friends who I engage with intellectual discussions during casual days. He doesn't reciprocate the idea. I point it was his doing for building a cage that I eventually realized was chaining me. I wasn't blaming him, I specified. He continues to talk, and I really hate that part though I'd probably have, and have been doing, the same.
We talk, but nothing ever came across. My mind was set to a different mode where his opinions were not his insights, but were baseless ideas and he merely blurted what he thought was better than what others did. If he did, then that had put me beneath him, and I said I was insulted by how he stated his words. He apologized, not at all meaning it. But I put him in the right place by declaring my great learning in life: people are equal. Though they may have ideas, it doesn't make them better than the other. "You think you're special?" I wanted to tell him. "You're just like the many other people here - just humans, specks of this life, like anyone! You think you've grown better than other people because of your thoughts? Wrong! Have you lived life any better than the indifferent? Your thoughts never make a difference when you CAN'T live them!"
I was like that. I hated adults, hated my schoolmates, hated my sisters. I instilled in me morals they've taught me, but they cannot lived it. I spent my high school years in resentment, sulking of how lonely I am to be left behind to secretly live through a life I thought we were all in. I said nothing and thought I did something. They were just unable to pick it up, I thought.
No, I was just like all of them.
He needed to go to work and said his goodbye with a grin emoticon that did not fit that atmosphere I've built with my straight-forward words. I decided I needed to leave him an offline message, to tell him bluntly I don't want to talk to him anymore. But we were still friends, of course. If he had a problem, I'd be there. I needed to explain why I don't want to talk to him though, and this was the difficulty that slowly unfastened the tangles of my darkness.
I erased and wrote again many times. In those attempts, I wanted to say something I tried not to put in. I was a DEBATER, and he wasn't. I wanted him to know my ideas never lack intellect and depth, though I related to anime and manga often times. I wanted him to know that I knew how the rules and process go in debate and he didn't. I told him humbly I hated debating, because it was unfair and unsatisfactory - because I was a debater, and he wasn't.
As the attempts to reform the words with a flow I felt was kind and gentle, I realize with a sinking feeling how the same idea kept me going to tell him one thing: that I was holding back all along, trying not to humiliate him. It might have been true in my point of view, but that's what I was trying to do. No one could tell if I would even have been successful at that, but the truth behind my motives were revealed. I just told him how I felt happier in my life with a new insight about how life is best lived simple, how people and companionship are important, and how little we are in this world. I never told him that I had matured, but I was glad I didn't. I haven't.
I apologized to him, knowing then what he had built up and had me shaking. He beckoned unconsciously the darkness in me and I, suppressing this, felt oppressed. I didn't want to show him a nature in me that being a debater is just a part of. I didn't want to ruin the friendship I knew would if I did.
I apologized to him, admitting it had been mine all along, the pride that never truly dies.
That was very deep...
Sadly I don't think my intellect can match yours either, you guys are smarter than simple Maine hicks in my opinion.
I know I don't talk with you about stuff like problems or anything else it seems, I'm usually on work mode every time you log on or I'm on OZ and personal problems don't often arise when we talk. But don't be afraid to bring them up with me if you need to, I'm very open to what people want to discuss.
But Tanz, I seriously wouldn't worry.. Everyone has an inner darkness that cannot often be avoided. I'm sure mine is triggered when anyone questions my motives, art, or anything else very personal to me. I'm not so conceded as you are about it, I turn into a raging ball of anger and I lash out to get back at whoever challenged me.
Though I usually think twice about it, the majority of the time I end up making myself believe that it's much easier to be reasonable about it and if they don't want to reason with me they are either blocked or whatever to ensure I will never encounter a problem with that person ever again. Not saying you should do that to your friend, that is just how I deal with it.
I would say my inner darkness is several things. Some are shallow and some aren't, but I'm still a kid and I still often think like a kid. I like thinking like a kid.
I don't find it frightening, maybe it's because I was raised around ignorance and never taught how to be a "good kid". Every American kid is the same way, except they often like to spread rumors that are not true while I don't give a tick tockin shit about gossip and I often go for the kill instantly instead of trying to bring them down in a rather pride damaging way.
But, we all have people we don't like or can't get along with for more than a few sentences. I've encountered quite a few, but not enough to make me feel bad just because they act worse than my immature self.
Wow. It's great to have such an epiphany. Kudos to you >: I feel awful sometimes and bad over things like this but... Well, you just got to know.