The doorbell rang, a double ring. Oh! That must be Sophia my best friend.

In she came, an attractive mature woman with a nice curvy figure.
She was quite gregarious and although married to the long suffering Kevin she did what just what she liked I thing he had resigned himself to the fact that her nature was such that she would never alter
Whenever I reminded her to behave she would say. “Life’s for living not for behaving”

“Oh! Good, you’ve made a cake” “You should try it sometime Sophy
, I know you have a Cake Mixer” “Yes she replied his name is Kev.

She tucked into Tea and Seed Cake and then said “ Do you know I think he’s seeing another woman ” “ Kev!! Don’t be silly. He hasn’t got time. That poor man works all day and at night you have him hammering away altering the rooms in your Bungalow”.
“He loves doing that and why employ someone else when he can do the job.” She said

“Well he goes to the Pub every Wednesday and he’s constantly talking about the Barmaid
The one with the boobs that go on forever and low cut tops. I’ve’ told him that I will help him to pack his case and he can move in with her”

“You’re not the jealous type, and that Barmaid is half Kev’s age happily married and has a small boy. Her husband often comes to take her home at closing time. Anyway Publicans are not going to employ Barmaids covered up to the neck.
They have to dress like that to attract the customers, and she has the figure for it, and men love it too. Anyway you have kept your figure so what is the problem”.
“Yes, I still go topless on holiday. I must bring you some photos”. “Can’t wait “said I.

“What has aroused your suspicions”?

“Well! He’s bought a pink shirt “ “Lots of men wear pink shirts these days although I think they suit younger men better” “And., He is now wearing his best silk socks’ on Wednesdays”

“ Silk socks’ on Wednesdays and a pink shirt! He does were his trousers as well, doesn’t he?
What is wrong with silk socks? Does he leave them on? “
“! m going off you now” said she..
“I think you’re mistaken, he just wants to look smart”. .

“Actually you treat him so badly; I don’t know how he puts up with you!
“He is lucky to have me “was her reply..

We were off to the Mall as she wanted to buy holiday gear. Kev took her on holiday there times a year and she was still was not satisfied.

“I don’t want to be too long”. I ventured.”My daughter is calling later.
“You are not trying shoes on are you” “No not today”.

I was remembering the last visit to a Shoe Shop with her when she tried on nearly every pair in the shop and when she asked where the assistant had got to, I said “She’s shot herself
In sheer frustration, and I am going too .If you don’t leave now you can make your own way home” reluctantly she left.

Happily she only wanted under wear. “Look at these” .She held aloft a pair of thigh high knickers which had written across the front “Two Nights the Night”
I laughed and said “At least he makes you happy in the bedroom,” “He had better had “ said she

The next time I saw her she could not wait to tell me her news.

“Wait till I tell you the latest” “Yes?” “ Chicken Sh…” “ Really! There is no need to be coarse”
“You mean Chicken manure” “I’m not as ladylike as you”
“What about it ,. Its fertilizer isn’t it?”

“Well Kev is sending for some odourless powdered Chicken Sh.. To rub on his bald head”

“It is true my lover . There was this article in the paper, about this Chicken Farmer who cleaned out the Chicken Pens and he found that Chicken Sh… made hair grow on the backs of his hands. He is now selling Chicken Sh t sterilized and powdered in packets as hair restorer”. I said “You are joking! Aren’t you”? “No. It’s true”
I must admit I have never come across a Chicken with hair loss unless they are trussed up, plucked, and ready for the oven

“Now listen” I said “As men get mature, they often loose hair from the head and grow hair on the backs of their hands, I can assure you that they don’t turn into the Wolf Man it is nothing to do with Chicken manure, I guarantee that Kev will not sprout any hair on his head. The only thing that will help is a Hair Transplant..
Also I have been on a Chicken Farm and the odour is terrible.

“Kev hasn’t grown any on his hands but he has got plenty on other parts of his body”.
“I don’t want to know that, I hardly dare look him in the eye as it is after the things you have told me about him.”
“When he gets it I will bring some to let you see it”.

“I don’t know why he is bothered about losing his hair .He is still the same person and a lot of women like him as he is so friendly and pleasant. You could lose him”

“He wouldn’t dare” she retorted.


Well I was quite looking forward to the next installment.

A few days later she arrives with a packet. Here it is and it is not odourless.
I examined it and it had an odour of strong compost not a good smell for any man.
“I have made him sleep in the spare room the smell is awful. I told him “I’m not sleeping with you smelling like you’ve fallen into a slurry pit.”… You have to use for two months before you see any results.

Actually I thought, it probably will make the roses grow but not hair, on the head or anywhere else.

Apparently he decided that he would try other means to cure his receding hairline rather than cause such consternation

Shortly afterwards she was thrilled to know he had been left quite a large legacy and they were now looking for a new Home.
I was invited to the House warming. It was a beautiful Bungalow with fantastic views over
The Mendip Hills and with a productive terraced garden. Plenty of work for Kev I thought.
It was twenty miles from where I lived so our contact would be less frequent.

Later I went to tea and was surprised to find that Kev was busy removing the Lounge wall as
Sophia wanted a larger lounge. That did not surprise me as Sophia’s nature was impulsive and sometimes quite willful . but underneath she had a ‘Heart of Gold’

Over the years many alterations were done by Kev. That man must be a Saint or ‘anything for a quite life.


Postscript

This took place some years ago when there were not so many H & S rules about making Skin and Hair lotions and Cosmetics at home.
Now it is illegal to make claims that can’t be proven and many tests need to be done plus all equipment to a high standard and sterilized.
No more Snake Oil Cure all.

If you doubt my reference to Chicken manure, or think I have made the whole thing up.
I refer you to Wiki as in Hair restorer section, there have stated that years ago some people put their heads and faith in Chicken manure believing it grew hair.
I doubt if it was odourless sterilized or pulverized.


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