A man goes into a fish shop with a haddock under his arm. 'Do you have fish cakes?' asks the man. 'Yes, we do' says the fishmonger. 'Good' says the man, pointing at the haddock 'make him one...it's his birthday!'


:lol:

Laughing man

Put the jokes here, Frehley. Just start a thread when you feel like it!

A man is in a bar and finds out there is a competition to guess
the number of 50p pieces in a large bottle.

"I'll have a go he says"

"2200 I say"

The landlord says "Correct"!! you win all 2200 50p pieces.

He then gets drunk and goes home and when he gets home he struggles to get
the key in the lock, and disaster! he drops the bottle of 50p pieces and
all the coins are all over the place.

He says "Oh sod it, I'll pick them up tomorrow"

He then goes to bed and falls asleep.

He is awoken by the sound of his wife shouting up the stairs.

She says "You'll never guess whats outside"

He replies "I know, I know, its 2200 50p pieces"




She replies "No, its 1100 bottles of milk!"

:lol:

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The landlord says,
“Hey, can’t you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed!
Get that dog out of here!”

The man replies, “No, I can’t read the sign – I’m blind, and this is
my guide dog.”

The landlord is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house.

Later that day, the man is telling his friend about it:

“I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!”

The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the
landlord says, “The sign says no dogs allowed! You’ll have to leave!”

The friend says, “Sorry, I can’t see the sign because I’m blind,
and this is my guide dog.”

The landlord replies,

“Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as guide dogs?”

The man says, “They gave me a Chihuahua???”

:lol:

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


:lol:

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks,
'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


:lol:

Two cannibals are eating a clown ...

One says to the other ...

Does this taste funny to you?

:lol:

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman ..

"Has my brother been in here?"

The barman replies ...

"I dunno ... what's he look like?"

:lol:

Man wakes up in hospital and the Doctor walks in ..

The Doctor says ..

"I've got good news and bad news .."

The man says ..

"Give me the bad news .. "

The Doctor says ..

"I've had to cut off both your legs"

"The man says "Oh God ..... What on Earth is the Good News?"

The Doctor says ..

"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."

:lol:

Laughing man I like those sort of jokes, Frehley!

A lumberjack goes for a job and the foreman says

"OK .. Are you any good"

The lumberjack says

"I'm the best there is" ..

So the foreman takes him to the woods and shows him what needs chopping down.

"This area should take you two days ... if you do it in less the jobs yours."

The foreman then leaves and the lumberjack starts work.

When the foreman returns to the office .. two minutes later the lumberjack walks in.

The foreman says

"What .. was it too hard for you?"

The lumberjack replies

"No, I've finished".

The foreman says

"Thats impossible ... lets see"

They go back to the woods and the whole area is chopped down.

The foreman says

"Thats fantastic ... Where did you learn to chop trees like that?"

The lumberjack replies

"In the Sahara desert".

The foreman says

"The Sahara desert ... but there's no trees in the Sahara desert"

The lumberjack replies

"I know ... I'm good are'nt I".

:lol:

My mates bet me that I could'nt drink a bottle of Tipex. I drank it and it was bloody disgusting. I was a bit worried about being poisoned but Im fine. The only thing that happened is that this morning I woke up with a massive correction!

Before I went on Holiday to Florida I decided to ring Seaworld to enquire
about opening times ...

The Seaworld rep told me

"Jump through the hoop!"

"Do a flip!"

She then said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

:lol:

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

:lol:

Cursed with a bald head and a wooden leg, a man is surprised to learn that he’s been invited to a fancy dress party. Deciding that he might pull it off if he wears a costume to hide his head and leg, he writes to a theatrical outfitters asking them for advice.

A few days later, he receives a parcel from the company with a note that says, ‘Dear sir. Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a buccaneer.’

Unfortunately, the man finds this deeply insulting, as they have so clearly emphasized his wooden leg, so he fires off a letter of complaint.

A week passes before the postman delivers another parcel with a note that reads, ‘Dear sir, sorry about our previous suggestion – please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.’

This infuriates the man again, because they have simply switched from emphasizing his wooden leg to his balding head, so he writes the company another letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a tiny parcel and a hastily scrawled note, which reads: ‘Dear sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour it over your head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple, you grumpy *&@!!@&

:lol:

Laughing man

I bet there are a lot of companies who receive complaints who would so love to reply in the same tone :lol:

Don't fart in Harrods.

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

... Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to sh#t yourself when I tell you the price

Laughing man

there were 3 sisters Ann Jan & Fanny, Ann & Jan went on a double date their dates said "Wow u 2 have big feet," Ann said u should see our Fanny's their massive

A man walks into his garage in Chernobyl .. he is confronted by a 6 foot bluebottle ...

The fly says ..... "Now hit me with your paper" ....

:lol:

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago",
to which the man replies
"Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

:lol:

Laughing man

I like the fly one! I reckon it paid us a visit last night too :lol:

30 seconds and hilarious. :lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hllDWSbuDsQ

Laughing man Just gotta try that one! Laughing man

And I laughed.... Laughing man

Great jokes...

More please... athumbsup Chortle

What is a zebra?


- It is 26 sizes larger than an 'A' bra.


:lol:

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?


One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.


:lol:

:lol:

A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and ino Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."


The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"

"About 50p" said the patient.


:lol:

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

:lol:

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

:lol:

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

Laughing man

NASA has lost touch with the first Mars Rover; it's responding to pings, but they can't get any telemetry back. I think I know what's happened: the onboard computer has gotten confused and decided all its images are underexposed, so it's diverted power to charging the capacitor for its spotlight.

You see, the Spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.





NASA says it will take two weeks to fix the software on the Mars Rover. Actually, it should only take 3 minutes to fix. They've budgeted the rest of the time for being on hold with Dell Technical Support.


:lol: :lol:

:lol: