While the cat is away, the mice will play. Or in this case, when generously titled Hogwarts' nurse practitioner Caryn Weasley-Sagebrook's husband and father are terminated from their boarding positions, irresponsible not-so-young ladies spend school nights at the bar!
It is said that Caryn can be spotted in Hogsmeade four to five nights a week in the neighboring town of Hogsmeade drinking away what is left of her senses with fellow Hogwarts alumni Orion O'Ryan. The two have shown no apparent care in making Caryn's husband into a complete laughing stock. Just this past Friday the two shocked the bar's patrons when they began their inappropriate acts on the establishment's floor. Sources say she peeled herself from her booze-saturated and scandalously cut attire as Mr. O'Ryan took her into his toothpick arms.
It is said she narrowly avoided arrest when her pregnant accomplice transported both her and her drunken lover from the bar.
Hamren, who just celebrated the birth of her ninth child in January(the father of which remains undetermined)is said to owe many favors to the Weasley-Sagebrook clan after setting her barbaric son loose on the Hogwarts campus, which resulted in the attack and the loss of sight from the Sagebrook's daughter. Peculiar choice made by the head of household (and also head of Hufflepuff) to keep the new addition to his family having only just forced his underage step-daughter to terminate her own juvenile pregnancy last May. The school counselor's bizarre moral practices have been well documented by the new Headmaster who promises a replacement for him before the end of the year.
He told us. "I thought it was admirable on his part to accept this new child immediately as his. That was before I learned of the torment he had put his adopted daughter through. Every few days there would be another young boy accused of fathering the (then) third year's unborn baby. The lot of them kept remarking on how she was going to do the right thing and raise it, though she was still a baby herself. Then the news broke. It had been her cousin who had impregnated her. Not a week went by and suddenly there was no longer a baby, the Hamren household had added another child, and the male cousin had changed his last name from 'Jones' to 'Hamren'. It's just sick!"
Sick indeed. I agree with the Headmaster's call to fire the school psychologist. My only disappointment is that he hasn't been able to find us a professional nurse as well.
Rita Skeeter-Journalist Extrordinaire