An Old Man's Memories

[Raum]

((Just thought I'd post up some of my short stories to get some feedback on them. Here's one about my best d&d character thus far, he was a level 20/20/20 fencer, mage, cleric and owned three countries.))

Church bells chime and sound while the town’s people slowly go about their business. They all look exceedingly sad; they all mourn for their hero, the great warrior Lord Ciel Maldeb. The old warrior that now lies in his bed staring out the window at the peaceful blue sky; his breathing labored and his body aching with the pains of old age.
Still the church bells ring, incessantly clanging, metal against metal…

…The battle roars as the two sides meet and struggle to destroy each other. The one side consisted of the five countries involved in the Unified Regisan Armies and the other, the demon hordes of Dagon Tul.
“Lord Maldeb, watch out!” cried a man from within the fray while loosing an arrow. The arrow landed with a thud into the demon’s chest and it fell to the ground, writhing in pain. “What did I tell you? Just call me Ciel, we’re brothers for gods sake” Ciel said with a smile as his rapier cut down yet another demon.
“Your majesty, you must be more careful, this is a battlefield not the castle sparring grounds” the man said while dropping three more demons with his arrows.
“Atain! Drop the titles will ya?!” Ciel roared with laughter.
Ciel spun on his heel, arms outstretched, blade slicing deep into the surrounding demons and clearing an area around him. Smiling at his work Ciel glanced over at Atain to see him stave off one demon with his bow then leap into the air, an arrow notched, then fire. Just as quickly as the first arrow left the bow another replaced it and followed suit; One after another until there was a torrent of arrows raining down upon the helpless demons below. Grinning, Ciel let loose a war cry that struck fear even into the wretched monsters he fought. Striking down demon after demon until he ended up back to back with his brother. “Having fun yet?” Ciel said while he laughed aloud.
“Quite so, my lord” Atain said finally cracking a smile of his own “but it seems that I’m winning… forty eight, forty nine…”
“Not for long!” Ciel roared before charging into the swarm of demons again “forty nine, fifty one, fifty seven… Ha ha, who’s winning now!?”
The two men mowed down the demons like pigs in a slaughter, countless fell to their beautifully deadly skills. “Ciel! Ciel, wake up, snap out of it…” Atain said while turning to look at Ciel…
“Atain, what’re you doing?! Keep your guard up or one of these filthy demons might actually hit you” Ciel said with a grin, the wrinkles on his face becoming ever more apparent. “What’re you talking about, big brother?” Atain replied confused, “there are no demons here…”
Ciel blinked his tired eyes and looked around. “Oh… So it seems…” was all Ciel could say as he noticed where he was. “My Lord, you should rest. You need to keep up your strength…” Atain said with a frown.
“Atain…” Ciel said, smiling one last time “Drop the titles…”
A sad look came across Atain’s face as he gingerly closed his brother’s eyes and walked out the door. He was met by a page, to whom Atain spoke softly. “Let them know… The king is dead…”

[Alex]

Wow, very nicely done. I liked how you switched into the battle in the beginning, I liked how you switched out of it, and the ending was great. It was interesting and had very good description.

[Raum]

Bah, I hit 'd' instead of 's' in the title... It's supposed to be "An Old Man's Memories".

Anyway that aside, thanks for the praise there Alex. I wrote this particular piece for my my grade 12 english class to represent the flashback technique.

[Timeroth]

Very nice story indeed! It's interesting how it weaves into and out of the past so nicely. Good descriptions and diolouge, I liked how you did Ciel's last words. Much coolness there.

[Raum]

Thanks

[ffccg]

Very nice indeed. I completely did not see Ciel being the king! .... Hmm, now that I think about it, the whole "Your Majesty" should have tipped me off.

Anyway, I like the story muchose grande!