Way of Life, Twenty seconds to impact.

In case WMots doesn't post it, I made a short story of a 1 page length.

It's about the future of space. And clones. And lots of fun stuff. Enjoy.

http://www.geocities.com/aaedien/Way-of-Life.doc

Critique very welcome.

Whoa!

I'd definitely vary the sentence structure. It was very boring to read every sentence starting with "The" and being in subject-verb format if you know what I mean.

Also, for a first part to something, I think it had good momentum off thebat with "20 seconds until...", but I would have enjoyed more character description. I wasn't really feeling the main character.

I've received several comments that generally mean 'vary the sentence structure'. That I need to work on getting right.

And the character description thing; that, yes, I need to get right as well. The thing I wanted to do with the story was describe the world, not the character, and I didn't pull that off as well as would have been preferable. Some people can describe a world through the view of a character without describing the character at all, and I thought stories like that were cool, so I wanted to make one like that. I think the main reason it didn't work was because of the sentence structure thing; while reading, your mind wanders back to the character, instead of thinking of the universe.

("It was very boring … if you know what I mean." If I don't know what you mean, does that make it less boring? )

(this post=teh suxx at describing, uh, anything.)