I've received several comments that generally mean 'vary the sentence structure'. That I need to work on getting right.
And the character description thing; that, yes, I need to get right as well. The thing I wanted to do with the story was describe the world, not the character, and I didn't pull that off as well as would have been preferable. Some people can describe a world through the view of a character without describing the character at all, and I thought stories like that were cool, so I wanted to make one like that. I think the main reason it didn't work was because of the sentence structure thing; while reading, your mind wanders back to the character, instead of thinking of the universe.
("It was very boring … if you know what I mean." If I don't know what you mean, does that make it less boring?
(this post=teh suxx at describing, uh, anything.)