Okay, so I'm starting to take my original fiction writing seriously and considering starting on the phase of getting my stuff to the publishers, etc.
I have a serious question to ask you all as sci-fi fans and readers.
Pretend for a moment that you're browsing through the local bookshop or online at Amazon.com for something to read. You come across the following book and read the back blurb. Pretend that you've never heard of the author (me) and let me know if this is something you'd be interested in, would put the book straight back down, what.
I know we're all friends, but that's why I'm trusting you guys to be honest, in both the positive and negative aspects. I need you to be honest!
What are the odds that your neighbor, the pizza boy, and the person behind you at the checkout line are magic users?
Like most, Brendan Fischer believed that if magic was real, then it would have been caught on camera or otherwise proven beyond a doubt to exist. What he never realized is that it already has.
A global organization registers and tracks magic users once they start demonstrating. As long as the individuals obey the regulations put forth by the Association, and do not compromise the anonymity of magic, then they are allowed to live normal lives.
Normal is the last thing Brendan wants his life to be. What are the odds that he could destroy everything the Associate has built? Itís not a coincidence that the numbers always fall in his favor, even in death.
You said honesty so here you go:
The first two sections are good. The third seems slightly tangential and also overly complex. seems like it would be better to somehow state magic exists and reveal such an Association within the text of the story. Which brings me to the last section. That just kills it for me. Seems like you are showing the whole plot up front and also that part about the odds favoring seems to indicate that in the end he will succeed.
So overall I guess don't put as much content of the plot into it. I would also suggest not starting with the rhetorical statement. Start with the character and state what he believes then state what is actually true.