Broken Smiles -> Why im Here(DC.PA.SA.SU)

Why im Here(DC.PA.SA.SU)

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HateBreedGrl21	Posted: Oct 20 2005, 01:07 AM
Newbie Group: ~†Member†~ Posts: 19 Member No.: 178 Joined: 18-October 05	EVERYONE Here's the big story of my life... I know its not a problem... but For me it is still. Sorry if i offend anyone.. by anything i say, i want to get my story out. About two years ago, when I was 12... I went to Pennsylvania because my dad happens to live there (im from California)Well, I met this guy there and I thought everything would be great, my summer love. So... i started hanging out with this guy, and we became closer then friends. I never gave into having sex with him... (he was 17) and eventually he started getting aggitated because i never gave him what he wanted. He started to hit me and i didnt think to tell anyone. By the 3rd week i was there, he was hitting me on a constant basis. He called me names and made fun of me constantly, telling me basically that i was nothing. The first time he raped me... we were both high on heroin. He told me if loved him id let him inject me, so i let him. I was so scared but i thought being with him , everything will turn out ok. Then, he raped me. At first i thought he was playing around.. but then it became serious. This eventually become an everday thing. Hed force me to do drugs then abuse me.. and sexually humiliate me. Hed bite me alot and give me scars by cutting me, burning me, anything he could do. Id be bruised all the time.. and always in pain. He said he was claiming me as his own... and id forever be his. Everytime he made me cry from pain, hed get more excited. Last time i saw him, i had tied him to his bed, and walked out. When i came back... I was so far into drugs it was insane. Everyday i was on something different and i never cared about life. I lost so many friends, and gained so many new, ones. The kind that could make you happy with sex, drugs or a ride. I began cutting myself, and i loved to watch it too. Ive come a long way since then, i still have the craveing for drugs, and sometimes i still do them... ive been pregnant once...and had a miscarriage. I cry alot and i have trust issues. Im a nymphomaniac... and im not religious now. I get so violent i scare my mom sometimes... and i dont even know whats happening till its done and im sitting there bloody.. and my mirror is in peices. Im trying to put my life back together... and deal with things in different ways. Everyday though, im reminded of everything. and i cant tell anyone, because my dad sexually abused me too... and now im left with my mother. She wouldnt believe anything.. and my boyfriend is the only person to know about this part of my life. Ive wanted to kill myself alot.. not lately but during that period, i even tried to overdose.. and had my stomach pumped and everything. You guys are now the only other people who know.. Im only 14, and i feel like i have lived the gist of my life already..I just thought everyone should know why im here. Sorry if ive offended anyone in anyway or if ive said somthing bad. Very Sorry. - Courtney -------------------- There is always one smile in a sea of frowns.. oh boy, you'd better watch your back you don't know what you've got yourself into this time. and girl, come on..... come on.. come on. why must everything always be like running in the sand? when you've got no place to go and the worst is yet to come. well i don't know what to do the worst is yet to come oh it's unfortunate but true. your grip has got me down on my knees oh love comes way too soon. get out now while you still can. take a bus. take a train. take a taxi cab. make yourself a clean escape. (your Grip, In The Rye)

*brokenrebel*	Posted: Oct 20 2005, 01:54 AM
'Cause I'm broken Group: ~†Mad Member†~ Posts: 1,065 Member No.: 38 Joined: 12-March 05	Hmm. Wow, hun. I don't really know what exactly to say to that. However, let me ask you something. Are you still with him? Because if you are, and he's over the age of 18, you're in an illegal relationship. I'm not sure where you are from; but if you are from the US it's illegal to have a relationship with someone over the age of 18 if you're a minor. It also depends on the state you live in, but usually it's 16-18. It's called statutory rape, even if you consent to the sex. He can be arrested and be put in jail for it; as well as the drug thing and I think other numerous things. I really suggest you go to the police and report him. If your mother won't believe you, you have to go to someone who will. This post has been edited by brokenrebel on Oct 20 2005, 03:21 AM -------------------- Both sig banners made by me. Please do not steal. Thanks. You wanted all we have to be real, And every word we say to be true. Still after all I gave it's not enough for you. Well, I can't give any more, So now I'm giving up. 'Cause nothing's ever good enough. I’m getting through it now I guess it’s plain to see That everything I am Is not everything you need And suddenly I become a part of your past I'm becoming the part that don't last I'm losing you and it's effortless :\|There's a fine line between love and hate.\|:

HateBreedGrl21	Posted: Oct 20 2005, 04:20 AM
Newbie Group: ~†Member†~ Posts: 19 Member No.: 178 Joined: 18-October 05	Yeah... No im not with him, Im with a different guy now, and i am in the US(California) But im too scared to go to someone, plus it was over two years ago. If my own mom doesnt believeme, i dont want anyone else involved. Im slowly recovering... I am just leaning on my friends shoulders for support. But thanx for careing! - Courtney -------------------- There is always one smile in a sea of frowns.. oh boy, you'd better watch your back you don't know what you've got yourself into this time. and girl, come on..... come on.. come on. why must everything always be like running in the sand? when you've got no place to go and the worst is yet to come. well i don't know what to do the worst is yet to come oh it's unfortunate but true. your grip has got me down on my knees oh love comes way too soon. get out now while you still can. take a bus. take a train. take a taxi cab. make yourself a clean escape. (your Grip, In The Rye)

*brokenrebel*	Posted: Oct 20 2005, 04:31 AM
'Cause I'm broken Group: ~†Mad Member†~ Posts: 1,065 Member No.: 38 Joined: 12-March 05	I understand that you're scared. But the only way to conquer that fear is if you face it. The recovery process is hard; and will continue to be hard for you until you do something about it. If you don't, you're only letting him get away with it. Plus you're allowing him to do it to others. I don't think you wanted to hear that. Or.. um.. read. But well, I'm only trying to help you out. It's really too bad that your own mother won't believe you. Sometimes parents are like that because they want to believe their child is this perfect little angel when they aren't. -------------------- Both sig banners made by me. Please do not steal. Thanks. You wanted all we have to be real, And every word we say to be true. Still after all I gave it's not enough for you. Well, I can't give any more, So now I'm giving up. 'Cause nothing's ever good enough. I’m getting through it now I guess it’s plain to see That everything I am Is not everything you need And suddenly I become a part of your past I'm becoming the part that don't last I'm losing you and it's effortless :\|There's a fine line between love and hate.\|:

*ThatOneDude*	Posted: Oct 20 2005, 12:38 PM
just some insignificant dude... Group: ~†Moderthy†~ Posts: 814 Member No.: 82 Joined: 20-June 05	We would never be offended bywhat you've ben through. You're a strong and wonderful girl who's been through hell and backyou really deserve much better. A lot of people's parents never believe that things have happened to their children. It's like they're too afraid to believe or something... God I hate ignorance. I can think of about two other people I know who've been through that sort of thing. If you don't get your story heard and get help this is going to continue to haunt you. I probably have more to say but the computer lab I'm in is starting to fill up and I have issues with people seeing what I'm doing. -------------------- You're lost here, broken and maimed, I can see you crying, trapped by the endless pain. Take my hand, I'll be your freind, Let me hold you and we can go on. I've felt the darkness too, I want to heal you, You're not an outcast to me, I know that you are beautiful, A wounded angel. Hated by the world, I lie cold and dying. when I cry, I cry alone, when I stand, I fall alone. When I die, is there a scream if no one hears it? Am I still alive? I feel so cold. I wonder, am I still a human, was I ever? Or did I die long ago? Someday, I might run across a grave, under a barren tree, a rope dangling in the cold wind, blade lying on the headstone, will I find my own grave? Will I know why I feel so dark, so alone?

*Silently Broken*	Posted: Oct 20 2005, 12:58 PM
†Is Always Right† Group: ~†Admin Angel†~ Posts: 3,917 Member No.: 1 Joined: 14-February 05	I don't know if I was one of the people Jason meant, but I've been through similar stuff. Not totally the same, mine wasn't as bad I'd say. You need to do something about it though, I never did, and to this day it haunts me that all 6 are still out there and I could come face to face with them at any time. Granted 5 were only 13/14 at the time, but still, its not the point. I haven't told my mom, I havent told any of my family. I think the same as you, she'd never believe me. Um..I also miscarried, I don't talk about it, I don't want to talk about it, too painful. I don't know if you are in counselling, but I think it would be the next step to recovery, and to putting the past behind you. Take care. -------------------- Thanks For Noticing... Perplex City Side The Personal Side Thanks for Noticing (private personal blog, comment to be added to read)

*mIsSiNg...*	Posted: Oct 20 2005, 07:01 PM
sHe NeVeR dIeS... Group: ~†Mad Member†~ Posts: 535 Member No.: 51 Joined: 14-April 05	wow i really don't know what to say... i mean i'm exactly the same age as u courtney... its odd to hear it coming from someone my own age... ur a strong person, ur a really strong person to have coped through all that! I know i would have never been able to cope wiv any of that... i am proud of u ! hopefully this will never ever happen to u again... it will take a while to recover from something as traumatising as that... you've been through a lot... parents are bleh starts ... they refuse to believe certain things... dont know what else to say except that we're here for u anytime! ~~harj~~ -------------------- ~~i fight this more then you know...~~

*OhioAngel*	Posted: Oct 20 2005, 08:31 PM
Uber Informawhore Group: ~†Mad Member†~ Posts: 968 Member No.: 172 Joined: 6-October 05	wow...I'm like the rest, I really don't know what to say. Sounds like you have really been through hell...I'm glad you have a boyfriend who knows what you have been through and is being part of your support system...you really need that right now. And I don't think anyone could be offended by what you said. It sounds like it is something you have been holding in for a while. You are a strong person for being able to tell your story...and even stronger for actually being able to live through that experience. And yeah...parents seem to have that tendency of not believing their child. They seem to think we make us these stories just to get attention. Believe me, I've been through that, I'm sure many on here have too! We are all here for you! PM me if you ever need to talk. -------------------- That which doesn't hurt me, makes me stronger! Anyone on myspace? I'd love to add you to my friends list, PM me or something

HateBreedGrl21	Posted: Oct 20 2005, 11:43 PM
Newbie Group: ~†Member†~ Posts: 19 Member No.: 178 Joined: 18-October 05	Thank you everyone... yeah telling that did sort of help. I do go to a counselor... and she is kind of ...wacked But I was really trying not to offend anyone, im sure glad i didint! Thans for being there for me.. It was weird getting that out... Just like you guys were there for me... im here for you.. Thanks for the warm welcome! Your all so friendly! - Courtney -------------------- There is always one smile in a sea of frowns.. oh boy, you'd better watch your back you don't know what you've got yourself into this time. and girl, come on..... come on.. come on. why must everything always be like running in the sand? when you've got no place to go and the worst is yet to come. well i don't know what to do the worst is yet to come oh it's unfortunate but true. your grip has got me down on my knees oh love comes way too soon. get out now while you still can. take a bus. take a train. take a taxi cab. make yourself a clean escape. (your Grip, In The Rye)

*Suicidal_Teenager*	Posted: Oct 21 2005, 12:20 AM
Hopeless Group: ~†Mad Member†~ Posts: 81 Member No.: 170 Joined: 1-October 05	Hey.. Never, ever .. be sorry for the things that has happened in your life. You wasn't to ask for this. So dont be sorry. Everyone on here will be okay.. let yourself vent on here.. within a few months you'll become so more relaxed with things in life. I know life can be hard at times. I've had my fair share.. alot has happened to me too. And you writting this.. has made me want to explain the reasons why I'm here too. From what i have read.. you've had the most uglyist, most scary 12-14years of your life.. and i hope, well ... I just hope the next 12-14years could turn around for you.. to be so much better & for you to become so happy! You deserve the best after all that has happened to you. And I'm really sorry that this had to happen to you, out of all people in the world - you had been given this to deal with. I'll be around if you needs to talkXxxx Sammi -------------------- I'm just a young girl..nobody loves me..I'm just from a poor familie.. let me go!! Queen

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