Book of Pain, EvilButterfly poetry*Def triggering*

[EvilButterfly]

This popped into my head as I was examining my new ummm "peace pipe" my friend gave me..... I swear I don't usually smoke pot or do drugs but it is so tempting!

Self Medication

I'm not sure what I'll write today
That's part of it's allure
self medicating my life away
maybe I'll find a cure
and if alive is how I have to stay
Then I'll have to medicate for sure.
I'm not sure what else to say,
Self Medication: such an awesome chore.

This post has been edited by EvilButterfly on Sep 30 2005, 05:51 AM

[EvilButterfly]

HELP

I wish I could SCREAM
Like that Beatles song.
It is my dream,
for someone to ask what's wrong.

HELP!!
Won't someone please?
HELP!!
It's what I need!
HELP!!
This is my last plee!!
HELP!!

Just like the Beatles,
I need help before I break apart,
Athousand pins and needles,
stabbing at my heart.

Help this is my last plee....
Help is what I need....
Help me, won't you please?

John Lennon died
and the world cried,
His music touched the world,
but noone really cares about me

[EvilButterfly]

omg
it is one of those things that i thought would never happen to me
even though i saw it coming
i was spinning out of ontrol
spiralling out of control
cutting like crazy
not caring
fighting
drinking
popping pills
and then i overdosed
and they put me in the psych ward
for three weeks
3 different medications
five different diagnoses
doctors are quacks
then in the group home for three weeks
now i am in a supervised living situation
INTENSIVE OUTPATIENT
Now everyone thinks im a fucking nutcase
and i do too
i can't believe it
and i cant beieve i just didnt die
fuck

[invisible-one]

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. I wondered where you went. I missed you here. That's all I have for now. That was a powerful poem, like always.
Amy

[ThatOneDude]

I always love your poems because you write from the heart it seems. I was wondering where you've been.. honestly I was really worried.

[EvilButterfly]

Not a poem
Just the facts Lol But if you find the facts powerful thats the truth cuz they sure do blow me away
it doesnt really matter to me what happens right now its just the point that I was 18 sleeping in a laundry room and going out of my mind doing crazy things like driving crazy and biting off the heads of every person who stepped into the laundry room and all i did was sleep all day and if I couldnt sleep i just took a whole bunch of pills and if that didnt make me sleep i sliced myself til it was too fucking uncomfortable to sleep anyway then i would get up and drive to nowhere and pull off to the side of the road and ball my eyes out and slice m self some more and pop more pills try to fall asleep it was a crazy nasty dirty cycle i stopped bathing everyday i stopped changing my clothes i stopped eating and when i did eat maybe every couple of days it was like a candy binge i threatened to kill people especially my mom and my dad even touygh i still do that
things may be starting to get better but i just KNOW one little thing could send me straight back in that same direction

*sorry hun, just added triggerbanners. Amy*

[ThatOneDude]

Well I just hope things get better for you. You've been through hell and back, and I know you don't deserve such pain. You're in my thoughts.

[EvilButterfly]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=7][COLOR=purple]Okay! I'm back everything is SSOOOOOO different!!! I'll update you guys about my life but here are a few things:


1 I have a daughter she was born on 2/10/07 her name is kaylina grace

2 I am back in college

3 I have my own place now

4 I have been out of the hospital for over a year now

5 I am cutting less and less often (it's been 2 1/2 months almost)

6 I rarely drink anymore and I quit EVERYTHING else

All in all I have completely changed my life, it took a long time, dont get me wrong, but I just wanted to update myseld on the site to show that there is a ray of light at the end of the tunnel! I think I can overcome this stuff! I think I am well on my way! It really helped me to be able to share stuff with you guys (and a lot of bad stuff happened during the last year and a half), but my daughter changed me so much, and now I have something to live for! This site is amazing and it really helped me! Thank you!

~ Lisa

[EvilButterfly]

THE HATE THAT IS HIDDEN
The struggle though bare
How does someone battle
These countless affairs

The pain that has settled
But still isn't gone
It silently lingers
It goes on and on

I long for the reason
Don't ever think rash
I long for the times
When this pain was fresh

But times have been moving
It's come and it's gone
So answerless hurting
The pain that was done

I can't find the answer
Not ever I'd bet
For all that were knowing
Are deaf, dumb, or dead...




JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH

You'll never love me
Noone ever does.
I'm just not good enough
for anyone to love.
So I'm always alone,
and my heart is heavy;
I want to share it,
but noone will let me.
And I never win love,
because I'm always wrong.
And I try to love everyone,
but I just don't belong.
People think I'm crazy,
they think I need help;
But the worst thing they did
was leave me by myself.
I never did anything
to you or anone...
I just have a few problems
and I don't know what I've done.
So I will leave you all alone
and I won't talk,
and I won't call,
or Email you at all.
It is from this point
that I accept my fate
as the eternally alone.
So I don't have to wait
for a call
that won't come at all.
For the love that will never be there,
because life sucks,
and nothing is fair.
I got two bucks
in my pocket
and nothing to wear;
I got love for everybody,
but reciprocation
(at this point)
is 10% at best.
So I'll just lay this to rest,
I would tell you I love you,
but I'm just not good enough
for you to say it back.

WHAT IF???

What if it had happened?
What if I was dead?
What if all the pills
had fucked up my head?

Thank you God for giving me TIME!
Thank you God for letting me live!
Thank you God...and it is not for me...
But for every moment to my daughter I give!

Everyday I am so blessed to be here.
I should be dead right now.
And for every moment that you give me,
I will pay you back somehow!

You gave me life,
and I tried to take it away.
I can't believe
I made it through okay!!!
And You make me believe in miracles
each and everyday!!!
I have no doubt I should be here now,
and I've tested my fate so much.
You have given me a special touch,
because noone can quite appreciate life
the way I do,
and it is all because of You!

And though I look
at the scars on my wrists,
and I remember my pain.
I can;t believe I was lead to this,
and I can see light again!

God is amazing and I believe in Him,
and there is no way I should be here,
but he turned me around,
showed me no fear,
picked me up off the ground!

I'll never take life for granted again.
I will never lose the light,
because in the end
there is only one fight
worth fighting!
And I intend
to win the battle!
The one against myself, and the evil that pulls me into darkness, and so I confess:
I finally believe!

What if I was gone?
If I had never found my way?
What if God had lost me
before I reached this day?
Thank God for what if...


IM FINALLY DONE

I'm finally done
with the past that I hate!
I will finally accept this
as my fate!
I don't care anymore,
whatever happens is fine!
The things that happened before:
Well, they are all mine!

I've been going round and round
trying to figure shit out!
I've learned that now.
That's just what life is about!
You have the good and the bad,
and some people get more.
I don;t need to get mad
or settle the score.

I am so over the life
where I tear myself apart.
Where I think that a knife
will protect my heart.

I don;t need to be guarded
or push you away.
My life has just started
on this revolutionary day!

[EvilButterfly]

SOMETIMES I WONDER

Sometimes I wonder
Where I would be
without my daughter.
Would I still be me?

Would I still be crazy?
And hate everything?
Would I be in the looney bin?
Would I have a song to sing?

Would I have settled down?
Found the perfect guy?
Would I still be around?
Or would I still want to die?

Sometimes I wonder what would life be like
if I had given her up...
Would she hate me
or would she be better off?

Would she grow up with a rich family?
and have everything she wanted?
Or would she be beat everyday?
And in her mind always be haunted?

Would she ever want to meet me?
And want to find out why?
Or would she let me go?
Though it always makes her cry?

Sometimes I wonder if I had gotten an abortion
How could I deal with it?
Would I lose my mind?
I could never do it...

I don't have to wonder,
because now she is here/
She is more than I could dream of,
and I feel sad when she's not near.

She completes me.
She's my world.
The missing part of me,
my little girl.

Her smile melts
the aching piece of me
that still feels weak and small.
She makes me feel whole,
FINALLY someone loves ms as much as I LOVE THEM.
Finally filled the void.
Yeah, in the end, I'd say God knows what he's doing....




ALONE AGAIN

Go figure
Noones here
Loneliness gets bigger
Alone again

My biggest fear
Is this will be my fate
And noone will ever be here
And my heart will grow to hate

And there are those who call
occasionally to creep
And I don't want them at all
But I'm too afraid to sleep...
Alone again...

Alone again
In my heart
1000 people around me
Alone again
regardless of
how many do surround me.

And there are those who visit
just to leave again.
I'm not saying they don't care
or they are not real friend.
I'm just saying when they leave
they have family
they have security at home
I guess that's just not me...
I guess that's just not how
my life was meant to be...

And now I have to make a life
for an innocent child.
When all I've known for years
is being crazy and wild.

So I sit here alone
and I care for her
My how she's grown
and how we love being together!

So I sit here alone
afraid to live at all
Afraid if I do anything
Again I'm sure to fall.

So I devote my life to my child,
because I owe it all to her.
I don't need to get wild,
all I need is to be with her.

So as you can see
I'm not really alone.
She's everything to me.
She is my family and my home....
Finally I am free.