Book of Pain, EvilButterfly poetry*Def triggering*

[EvilButterfly]

Okay, I just had a brilliant idea....okay as brilliant as my ideas come, but still. I used to have this Book of poems and stuff and I would write all kinds of strange stuff in it drawing and everything and Suicidal stuff too, and stuff about SI, and I FORCED myself to throw it away because I accidentally left it in the cafeteria at school and somebbody found it and I had to go to the office and explain why there was blood all in it and why I had a will written out and it was a TRAUMATIZING experience and I so regret that I threw my book away because I had put, literally my BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS into that book and it was precious to me, but I had to throw it away for my own dignity...I know it doesn't make sense doesn't it? Well it did at the time!! But now, where better to start a new ALMOST fool proof version of my Book of Pain and this way I won't feel so alone when I am writing it because people can look at it anonymously of course, but noone who I don't want to see it can see it such as anybody that I know!!!!!Ps...
So I just want to say....
Welcome to
My Book of Pain!!!!


The Night

I was driving in a storm,
and there was nowhere to go.
No place to keep warm,
and noone who cared to know.
I was alone and cold,
watching the night grow old.

And I had visions of my life
Pass before my eyes.
I saw razors and a knife.
I saw lies.
I saw tears, and I swear this is true:
That night is the night that I SAW my heart break.

I was driving alone,
as I usually do.
And there was no home
that I could run to.
Lost and abandoned,
The bridge was flooded, I was stranded.

And I had visions of my life
Pass before my eyes.
I saw razors and a knife.
I saw lies.
I saw tears, and I swear this is true:
That night is the night that I SAW my heart break.

I pulled into a ditch,
and I went insane.
I couldn't explain it,
What was in that rain?
I had my razor in the glove compartment,
And it just didn't help.
I swear that ditch must have been heaven sent....
And you wouldn't believe where I saw myself.
If there was no ditch, who knows where I would have went.

And I saw my whole life
Pass before my eyes.
I saw that I'm that girl with that knife.
The girl that always cries.
She lied to herself and said she was alright,
She thought she was until the night.
The night she saw her car go over a cliff.
She finally lost her will to live.
She finally got her tears all dried.
And it all happened the night she died.

[ThatOneDude]

Awww... that's so sad... that's a really awesome poem. Sorry to hear about what happened to your book. It really sucks to have something private like a journal (or in my case my poetry file on my computer) nosed into by someone.

[Silently Broken]

As Jason said, that really sucks.

I like the poem though

Sarah.

[EvilButterfly]

Thanks! I am still trying to get over the whole book thing. I thappened months ago, I dunno it meant a lot to me then it was all ruined in a few seconds..... The poem is a true story it happened about a week ago....and it really really really DID suck.

This post has been edited by EvilButterfly on Jul 27 2005, 09:29 PM

[EvilButterfly]

Some Randomness:
1. If I liked to write poetry
about rainbows and daffodils
and goody goody gum drops:
I'd be FAR more likely to commit suicide.
So don't judge me just because
I like to bleed my soul on paper.

2. I like to read other people's poetry.
beause poems tell you things about the other person
that sometimes only their subonscious knows.
" Poetry, a window to the soul. "

3. I don't believe in God,
but if I did,
I believe that he hates me,
and he wants me to die.
But not before he is certain
That I will go to Hell,
So, he will never have to see me again.
And I'll do my best to make him happy,
Just in case he is real.

[EvilButterfly]

3 short weird poems I wrote:

[B]Leave Me
Love me or leave me,
Never decieve me
IM NOT ALRIGHT, believe me!
Most people don't concieve me.
Most people don't achieve free,
If you can't find it, just retrieve me.

God's Stubble
It's mostly trouble,
It'll bubble
over and double,
and get smashed into rubble.
He wants to shave us, because we are ALL just God's stubble

Heart From Wal Mart
I had a good start,
But I wasn't smart.
My head got stabbed by a dart,
And I got my heart
all torn apart
Like some part
Of a pop Tart
Crammed into a Cart
From Wal Mart.

This post has been edited by EvilButterfly on Jul 28 2005, 02:24 AM

[EvilButterfly]

Okay this is a poem/song, there is a borrowed piece of lyric from Avril Lavigne in it, but the rest is original, I assure you, I just did not want to take credit for someone else's work....P.S. It is a TS, I was homeless.


She Wants To Go Home

She wants to go home, but nobody's home
And she's almost grown,
And they left her all alone.

She's shaking with fear
as she feels another tears
fall from her tired eyes,
And she wants what she can't get.
She wants to die.

Where is her home?
She doesn't know.....
Where can she go?
She wants to show them,
(She doesn't even know them)
That they are misled,
but soon they will find out.
As soon as she's dead.

She wants to go home,
that's what she wanted,
but the voices have haunted,
and her mind is haunted,
And she has no faith,
And she has no face
And she has NO PLACE,
And no trace
Of anything good in her maind,
and she can't find ANYTHING.

She's broken inside,
and losing her mind.
She wanted to be free
(that's what I wanted to be)

She wants to go home,
but her home is lost.
She wanted her freedom,
But not at this cost.

She's scared of shadows that beat at her heart.
She's falling into a black hole, and falling apart.
Blackness is her life,
but it is a secret.
And her only regret is that she didn't get
one last time
to go home
and tell them she's fine.
And she doesn't NEED them or anything.
Because that's what she wanted.

Nobody's home
She's all alone,
and she said
that's what she wanted.

[Silently Broken]

You are a really good writer, I like those poems.

[EvilButterfly]

MY LIST

To get what I want...
To not have to front...
To make my enemies go to hell...
To wash all those people who smell...
To never shed a tear...
To get past my fear...
To keep a happy tone...
To stare never be alone...
To be able to defend...
To live until the end...
To appreciate life...
To put down this knife...
To always stay true
To my list and you.

[EvilButterfly]

I did something bad last night.... stupidity....

My Addiction

1Scars remind us that the past is real,
and by the time they heal,
the past has passed.
But the pain will forever last,
and the scars will stay forever.
Sometimes I wish I had never.....
But the I realize it's just a part of my disguise.
"How will you know I'm hurting, if you cannot see my pain?"
HOW ELSE could I express what my words could not explain?
for the past six years?
And through my tears
I used all the courage it took,
and I wrote my poetry book.
I filled it with my TEARS and BLOOD
On the pages let emotions flood.
Then, one day,
I threw it all away
and SWORE I was through,
but inside I knew
it's just a part of me,
and I'll never be free.
I used to have confliction,
but now I KNOW, my Pain is my Addiction.

(1) Papa Roach

[EvilButterfly]

I WOULDN'T EVEN BOTHER READING THIS ONE IF I WERE YOU!

My most expressive form of communication:

1%of the population
Majority women(stats could be inaccurate because of secrecy)
in their 20's
who've been doing it since their teens
with history of abuse
and/or alcohlism in one or both parents.
They usually don't remember how or why it got started,
they just know they can't stop.

You think my poetry is expressive?
You should see my blood.
I threw away my BOOK OF PAIN,
just to start this shit AGAIN???
I won't stop until someone understands.
What would be the POINT?
I've said it before and I'll say it again and again and again!!!!
"How will you know I'm hurting, if you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain!!"
It's all about communication....
AND I'm addicted to blood.

They call it PSYCHO,
I call it expression.
They call it a body,
I call it my canvas.
They say I'm a cutter,
I say I'm an artist.

[EvilButterfly]

OKAY, this is the last BAD THING I AM GOING TO THINK TODAY!!! (no promises)


Close Call

Self distruction's like breathing,
I self destruct when I breathe,
If you don't like it then you can leave,
NO, I know what I need,
I just need to bleed.
Got to cut right down to the bone.
So will you leave me the fuck alone!?!?
Don't disturb me,
you might UNNERVE ME.
Cause this time, I'll press down
so HARD on my wrist,
and I'll fall to the ground
in one SECOND of bliss.

.........Then I sighed to myself,
and walked away,
and put my razor on my shelf.
SOMEDAY I WILL...... just not TODAY........

[Munchie]

wow you are a really good writer huni such powerful words

you are in my thoughts huni
triple Bxx

[ThatOneDude]

You are really good... I love the way you express yourself. Close Call suits me perfectly... I can tell you're hurting so bad.. if you ever need someone to talk to I'm here hun

[Mongo]

these are very powerful poems hun, it seems that you're going through a lot and i wish you well in the future. Close Call suited me the most and i can tell there was a lot of feeling put into this. your poems are very beautiful and meaningful. keep up the good work.