Five months ago, I would be saying the same thing as you are. Now I'm not, obviously. But my reasons are to an extreme.
I spent a few months at a residential program. I was still able to break CDs and other things like that, but knowing that I was supposed to leave there, I didn't do it. Knowing that I was getting better, I didn't do it. I think the reasons why I stopped were because of hope, having to face major consequences if I cut, and limits. Let me tell you a little bit of this.
I was a major cutter. Everytime I cut, there was the same old blood, the same old scar, the same old stains, the same old veins, and even more. There was everything. Infact, it took until now for me to remember the days when I said that I would never be a cutter. Honestly, even though cutting took away the pain, and even though I was still depressed, I felt much better during the days before I started. It's a shitty addiction.
So, I kept on cutting, cutting cutting, cutting cutting cutting, going through hospitals here and there, until my parents got me placed into a residential treatment facility. I had limited choices. I didn't like it, but I got used to it. Although a lot of people found ways to cut, they weren't the ones trying to get better. I was. I knew that I had a chance in the world to be able to function without having a blade on me at all times. However, just because I faced limits, that doesn't mean I didn't go through the therapy.
The one thing they never ask you is the reason why you
started cutting. You have to remember it from very far back--the original triggor. Personally, I found mine today. My own was my mom emotionally attacking me, invading my room by knocking (without my reply) and barging in seeing mess and crap, taking out all her anger on me, and lacking empathy for me. I remember crying next to my friend as she would hold my hand and tell me that things would get better. I kept on doing it, and the triggors actually got worse as a wave of negativity appeared inside of me. I started looking at things thinking that they were 10x worse than they already are. That was when the hospital admissions took place. Me, I would keep cutting, I would go into a hospital, be discharged, and that was it. I didn't think of anything happening after that until it did.
Anyways, so think of that. And if you're thinking of the residential thing, that's definitely the last resort you'd have to go for. Therapy is the first.
This post has been edited by Adrien on Apr 1 2007, 03:41 AM
i can't stop cutting
