It's 5:30 in the morning and I haven't closed an eye in 2 days, because the pain is killing me worse than it normally does.
My mind's a mess, because it keeps going back to that hospital visit of this morning.
Some sonofabitchin' social worker had the guts to claim that I'm sick because I have this twisted craving for attention.
I live socially quite isolated, tho that doesn't really bother me, 'cause I've all these internet friends.
But, she had a different definition of normal !
She didn't actually voice it, tho I could tell that she thought of my life as weird, because I have my animals and know very few people.
I was just thinking, tho.
Who needs superifical friendships ? Friends that haul friggin' ass as soon as you need 'um ?! They only give you pain and heartache you don't need, right ?
I'm just so fucked up about all of this.
The bitch wants to sent me to a shrink so he can "talk" me out of my diseases.
I wish he freakin' could !
I suppose it's that old pitfall in the road, because when shit like this occurs, I immediately am thinking about death again.
I have the means and it's so tempting to wash all those delicious pills down and never wake up again.
I want to die or my shit to get better, but I see it deteriorate every day. The prognosis is not good. The pain is getting worse, I can eat less and less and now whenever I do the smallest thing, I end up being awake for days, because morphine can't kill this friggin' pain enough so I can get some shut eye.
Can you disappear ?
Into that big, black nothing called oblivion ?
Can you be inexistent ?
I wish I could right now.
Sorry for the rant, but it just bothered me so much that it almost choked me.