I often wonder if people can tell by looking at me that the two most common thoughts in my mind are of demise: my own and those of others around me. Is there some sort of homicidal glint in my eye, suicidal tone to my voice? Or is it just paranoid to think that others can see my thoughts so easily?
I've never considered myself a violent or dangerous person, but as of late I seem to be turning into one. I've invented in my mind the ways I'll trap and sadistically kill everyone who's ever hurt me (it's probably a VERY good idea to stay on my good side, now), including myself. And the sickest part of it is, I can be walking along on an ordinary day, something in me will wonder if the car passing by could kill me on impact, or if the paper clip in my pocket would be enough to kill so-and-so, and I won't fucking care
. I don't even give it a second thought anymore.
I really do think I'm going insane. Or at least becoming more ill.
Is it a sign of some sort of disorder to think of these things? Am I dangerous? I doubt I'll ever act on any of it, but some part of me-- maybe even someone else
, I don't know-- wants me to do these things.
I mean, it's pretty weird how one minute I'll be planning exactly where, when, how, and with what I'll kill myself-- and a minute later I'll be daydreaming about killing someone else I know, and it's really sick how good it feels in my mind. Suicide never does, but the homicidal stuff feels great
I'm scared of myself sometimes... especially when the things
come. When things talk to me, but I can't quite grasp their true words... I know what they mean, though. And later I come around and realise they weren't there... sometimes I realise in the middle of them talking to me. And sometimes I convince myself that people are out to get me, that they're watching me, waiting for the right time to attack. They're going to do something bad... I don't know what, but it's bad. Then sometimes I think they're not and I'm going crazy... but I see the signs.
I don't think I fully control my mind anymore. I think it's the pills. I'm scared.